In June, I turned 36.  I’m now officially closer to 40 than 30.  Le sigh.  A friend wished me birthday greetings and expressed that she hoped it was a happy one.  And you know what?  It was.  For the first time in years, I enjoyed my birthday again.  But more than that, it made me reflect a bit on my life.  I’m happy.

I’m happy.

I haven’t been truly happy in a very long time.  Infertility and loss have been ravaging my life for so long, that my happy was taken away.  I was going through the motions of living for so long.  There were happy moments, sure, but I wasn’t truly happy.

Having Max, being his momma, has completed me.  I would like to think that if there was never to be a child in my arms, I would have found a way to resolve and be happy and childless — but I don’t think I would have ever been   Perhaps one finds closure and goes on, but for me, there always would be something missing.  But I’m one of the lucky ones.  I have my perfect rainbow baby.

There are lots of things in my life that aren’t perfect or that I would love if they were different.  But nothing impacted me and made me feel so powerless to change as did infertility and loss.  Those things I would like to change now are relatively trivial.  They are not the essence to my happiness.

It’s a lot to be on a little guy’s shoulders, but all he needs to do is continue to exist.  I feel whole again.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am still infertile, I am still a momma without her first baby in her arms.  And there are days when those things still have the ability to gut me.  In fact, just the other day I came across the last ultrasound picture we had of Abby (I actually received it when I went for an ultrasound for Max and told the tech that I regretted not asking for a print out b/c it was the last time I saw her alive.  She went into their system and was able to retrieve an image and print it for me.  I had no idea they saved them!  I couldn’t add it to her book because of the finality of it all and it has been sitting on our key rack for over a year now) and it resulted in a big, fat, ugly cry.  I sobbed my heart out while my poor perfect son was snugly wrapped to my back probably wondering what the heck was going on!  Despite the occasional gutting, I’m happy again.    Even on the really tough days when I’m sure I’m failing as a mom and I lose my cool because why won’t he just lay still while I change his diaper?! — I’m happy.  And it feels good.  It makes all my other problems matter just a little bit less when I look at my beautiful son.

Which brings me back to this blog — I think I might be done with it.  It’s been such an important part of my story — sharing my soul with friends and strangers.  Helping people understand and maybe reaching someone who felt alone in their world.  But what do I have to offer now?  A glimpse inside my life looks much like a look at any other mom’s life.  I’m not interested in writing a mommy blog.  I don’t want to tarnish this blog with that.  Not that there is anything wrong with that — it’s just not the direction I want to take with this space.  Also — I don’t feel much like writing anymore — and I think the happy can be blamed for that.  I used this space to share my fears and frustrations and now any negatives I have seem like complaining when I write about them.  I don’t want this blog to have that tone either.

So… this might be it.  I reserve the right to come back if I feel like I need to, but this might be my final farewell.  I am eternally grateful for the people I have “met” through writing this blog — I may not comment, but I still check in on you from time to time.  And I am thankful for all my real life people who read along with my pain and offered encouragement and compassion — it meant the world to me.

Thank you, all of you for taking the time to take a glimpse inside.




A Glimpse Inside…

…Life with Max

Time is flying by!  Max is 5 1/2 months old already and I don’t know how to slow time down.  Part of me really misses the teeny tiny (well, Max’s version anyways) newborn days, but there’s a part of me that really loves the little person he’s becoming.  He’s so much more fun now and he’s discovering his world and building new skills.

It was a long, cold winter here and it finally took it’s toll on me.  It was nice to not have to go out anywhere on those nasty arctic days, but it was also very boring to be holed up in the house for days on end.  But it also sucked to take him out on those arctic days and I felt like an asshole doing it.

But now the nice weather has worked it’s way to us and we’re getting out more and more… today without socks for either of us!  Who-hoo!  We do swimming and sign language classes.  Swimming is a lot  of work — wet babies are slippery and getting myself and him out of wet suits and into dry clothes is a major chore… especially for a 30 minute class.  But we want him to like swimming and he seems to mostly like it — with the exception of being dunked under.  I love the sign language class.  It totally fits my learning style.  I pick up so many signs each class and I try to sign everything I know to Max as often as possible.  He’s too young to do it back, but he watches our hands and is delighted when we sign and sing the alphabet.

He’s started to eat food in the last week.  We’re doing baby led weaning (BLW) with him and it’s great.  Everything says 6 months to start but last weekend, he grabbed a handful of pasta off my plate and shoved it in his mouth so I think he’s ready.  We’ve experimented with various foods this week breaking all the rules of one food per week.  According to his diapers, he’s getting a bit in.  Mostly he’s playing and squishing the food.  But he’s pretty darn good at getting it in his mouth.  And he loves it!  It’s hilarious to watch.  And it’s a bloody mess.  But it’s so amazing to watch him try to figure it out.

I also try to “wear” Max whenever I can.  I love that too.  The ring sling is the best invention ever.  Max is heavy.  At his 4 month appointment, he was 18lbs. 15 oz.  He breaks my arms when I lug him around for too long.  With the sling, we can get stuff done around the house and I can hold him longer.  He loves it too.  If he’s fussy, I can just put him in the sling or the wrap and he’s a happy guy.  Often he’ll take a little snooze in there too.  It’s great to use at the grocery store, etc.  And our structured carrier came in very handy at the busy, local farmer’s market.  I love having him so close.

He’s a great baby and I love being his mom.  He’s very happy and has a million dollar smile that he’ll give up to almost anyone.  I treasure every single moment.

… Mother’s Day

I get to celebrate my very first “real” mother’s day this year.  I have mixed emotions about it.  Obviously, it’s a lot easier to deal with all the marketing that goes with this occasion this year — copious amounts of chocolate and/or alcohol are not required to survive.  And I’m thrilled that I’ll be celebrated as a mother this year.  I have a baby that people can see and the makes me recognizable as part of the club.  But there is the part of me who will never forget how sad this day has made me in all the years gone by.  It makes me miss Abby too.  Because I was her mother first.

It also makes me wish I had a mother that was present in my life.  I’m jealous of all the people who have mother’s in their lives to help them navigate motherhood.

… Family

You know, maybe this category deserves it’s own post.

To be continued…

A Fertile World

I look like one of them now.  A fertile.  To the unknowing eye, I’m just another chic with a baby.  In some respects, it’s okay.  I’m just a mommy.  The path doesn’t matter.  But it does matter because even though I’m a mommy, I’m still an infertile.  And I’m reminded that time and time again while I play house in a world of fertile moms.

Now that I have a baby, it’s better.  The bitter has tamed down a bit.  I can feel happiness for others more easily now.  There is a peace.  Because regardless of what the future holds, I am Max’s momma (and Abby’s too, but the world doesn’t count her).

The other day I was in a local store picking out a wrap in which to wear Max.  And the woman serving me while breastfeeding her toddler, flippantly said in regards to whatever it was she was talking about, “I’ll have another baby”.  And I was taken aback by it in such a strange way.  She was so sure.  She, like so many, didn’t give it a second thought — there will simply be another.

Oh to be so confident.

I haven’t got it yet, but a friend asked me the other day if people have started asking when/if I’ll be having the next one yet.  She said it started for her at the 3 month mark.  C has got it though and took great joy in making his co-worker squirm with his response “well, we’ve got one more in the freezer, so we’ll see”.

I think I’ll steal his response when the time comes.


Worth It

A few weeks ago we ran into a teaching acquaintance of C’s.  She was from the school where he was working when we lost Abby, so she was aware of our struggles to get to where we are.  She cooed over Max, like everyone does a new baby.  But it was what she said that left an impression.

“It makes it all worth it, right?”

When I look at my beautiful, perfect, little baby boy, am I glad I didn’t stop fighting?  Hell yes!

But was it worth it?  I don’t know why this has stuck with me.  Perhaps it was the flip way that this stranger said it to me… because I don’t know her at all.  Maybe I’m too sensitive.  To my ears, it almost sounded like what she meant was that everything we went through, the infertility, the loss, is what is expected to get a baby at the end.  That if you fight hard enough, it will happen.  An infertile knows this isn’t true.  It’s sheer luck.  Maybe it strikes a chord, because I’m still so incredibly envious of all the people who make it look easy.  Snap their fingers and they have all the babies they need to make their families complete.  I’m working on it.  I really am.  I’m trying to let it all go.  But it’s a process…. backed up by lots of years of disappointment and hurt.

Was it all worth it?  Would I do it all again to get to my son?  How do I say ‘no’?  How do I say ‘yes’?  Losing Abby broke me in ways that I’m not sure can ever be fixed.  Have I walked away from that experience a stronger person?  Sure.  And it sure as hell has made me value every moment of my son’s life right from the very beginning of knowing he survived transfer and burrowed himself a spot inside me.

Why did it have to be so hard?  Why did the path have to be so long and windy and full of potholes?  Will I ever find meaning in the “journey”?  Will that make it better?  Will it all make sense one day?  I don’t know.  I might just need to eventually let it all go and stop searching for a greater purpose.

Was it worth it?

My son is the best thing I ever did with my life.  Being a mom is the most important job I’ve ever had.  He makes me want to be a better person and the best momma I can possibly be.  That’s all I know.

The Visit

A couple of weeks ago, Max and I made the trek back to our fertility clinic to show him off.  I have stayed in touch with my favourite nurse, and had emailed him when Max was born with a picture and the details.  I also sent a Christmas card with Max’s newborn Christmas photo in it, but it was time for a face-to-face meeting.  The clinic also has a “wall of success” (actually several walls now) where they put all the babies’ footprints.

I have waited so long to have footprints on that wall.  The way the clinic is set up, one has to walk past these footprint-decorated walls to get from the waiting area and blood rooms to the ultrasound and other treatment rooms.  I walked through with longing on so many occasions.  So many times, wondering if I would ever have my child’s feet on that wall.



It was so emotional.  To walk through those doors with my little miracle.  I know they see them all the time, but it was an inexplicable feeling.  Tears were shed as that little foot went on the wall.

I got pictures of Max being held by my favourite nurse — he was instrumental in this journey — and pictures of him being held by Dr. M.  I couldn’t tell you the name of the doctor who delivered my baby, and while I could tell you about my actual MFMs, nobody in the medical field was as important as the people at that fertility clinic.  We wouldn’t have Max without them.  I am eternally grateful for the day that my favourite nurse picked up the phone and told us we could come back — it was one of the darkest days of this infertility journey where I was absolutely sure I would lose my mind (and my will to keep going) and he saved me by doing what they do — helping people (all people without discrimination) have babies.

When Dr. M was holding Max he asked when we’d be back to make another.  I told him we had one little frostie in the freezer and that I hoped he could work his magic again.  I don’t know if we’ll be lucky enough to strike gold twice, but we’re sure going to try.  There’s room for more feet on that wall…

The Club

The infertile is an outsider to a very important club.  The mommy club.  We’re like little children standing outside the toy store window — always on the outside looking in.  So desperately wanting in.  I can’t count how many times I was asked “do you have kids” and when I answered “no”, it was like I was immediately disqualified because I couldn’t possibly understand if I didn’t have kids.  It was like a kick to the gut every time.

One of my biggest peeves is when clients would do it.  Not necessarily to me (although sometimes), but towards their F&CS workers.  “Blah, blah, blah… stupid worker doesn’t even have kids, what does she know?”  Yeah, because if F&CS is at your door, you’re obviously doing a bang up job.

The first time I realized I was part of the club was right after Christmas.  Max was almost one month old and we were out doing some “boxing day” shopping.  I left Chris with Max in the stroller to try on some clothes in the change room and the sales woman started talking to me about sleep deprivation and having a new baby.  Soon, a woman who was waiting for someone in the change room chimed in.  And we were all talking about our babies and sleep and feeding.  Just like that, I was part of the club.

Most days, it still doesn’t feel real.  There’s a part of me that keeps waiting for someone to take him away from me.  “Time’s up, we were just kidding, give him back”.  It’s probably why I don’t want to miss a moment of time with him.  Sometimes I find myself holding him while he sleeps and I’m thinking of all the things I could be doing if I just put him in his swing to sleep.  But I keep holding him.  Because even if no one takes him away from me, one day he won’t want to be held all the time.  I feel like I need to make the most of every single moment.

I wonder if all parents feel this way or if infertility and loss does something to you?  Does it make the parenting experience different?  Did my hard-fought battle to join this exclusive and elusive club make me a different kind of momma?  I’m not sure.  I just know that it has made me the kind of momma — the kind of person — that doesn’t take any of this great gift — this club membership — for granted.

Time Passes

I blink and weeks have passed since I’ve written here.  I compose posts in my head but I always opt for Max-snuggles over screen time.  In fact today, a snowy day in Southwestern Ontario, I did little more than snuggle my son.  I could have put him down once he fell asleep but why?  Time passes so quickly and one day I won’t be able to snuggle him all day.

So I’m going to offer up a summary post of things and goings-on.  Each deserves it’s own post likely, but you do what you can do.

Abby Day — Another January 26 came and went.  Two years since we said goodbye.  A little easier this year but I’m still haunted by the wonderings of what might have been.  In some respects, it’s almost harder to think of Abby while holding her little brother.  I look at him and feel such sadness that I never got to look at her in the same way.  I’ll never know what kind of kid she would have been.  Having a baby is no longer an abstract concept for me and it has changed my grief for the one that I lost.


Breastfeeding — Thank you for all of your comments and support.  I bawled my face off the day I decided we were done but I’ve accepted where we’re at.  I’m still pumping 4-5 times/day, so Max is getting about 1/3 or more of his daily milk from me.  I’ve decided I’ll pump as long as it’s worth it in terms of output and until it drives me nuts.  And he’s still doing his morning feed from the bo.ob.  Funny thing is, when we decided to stop nursing, he became a better nurseling!  So sometimes he’ll nurse throughout the day too when I haven’t pumped in a while and my bo.obs are extra full.  It’s enough for me.  Because if I was being completely honest with myself, I didn’t love nursing.  I loved the idea of it and I would have loved it if everything worked perfectly.  But it didn’t and it just stressed me out.  And I’m not a big fan of nursing in public places.  I hate that nursing cover and I wouldn’t just let it all hang out because I wouldn’t want to make other people uncomfortable.  Maybe it all would have been different if things worked properly.  I watch other breast-feeding moms do it with such comfort and ease and there is still a sense of “why not me”.  But then I give Max his bottle and watch how happy he is to drink his milk and nothing else really seems to matter.


Max — oh my goddess how I love this child!  He’s smiling and cooing and more interactive now.  He’s such a sweet boy and an easy baby.  He cries when he’s hungry and when he’s tired.  Can’t ask for better than that.  Sure, he has his fussy days but it’s really nothing.  And he’s finally growing!  After weeks of barely skimming by at his weight checks with the LC, at his 2 month appointment/vaccines, he had gained 2 lbs in two weeks!!!  Which kinda made me feel like an asshole because he clearly wasn’t getting enough milk.  Now he needs to slow down on the growth because my almost 10 week old baby is almost all grown out of his 3 month clothes and sporting some of his 6 month clothes.  He’s 14lbs 5 oz and 24.5 inches as of last week.  My healthy boy!

Old feelings are new again

This post is about breastfeeding.  And how I suck at it.  Well at least that’s how the Committee of Assholes talks to me.

We’ve had a rough go from the start.  I didn’t have Max with me for very long when he was first born and then I could’t go see him in the nursery for about 12 hours as I recovered from the forced delivery of the stickiest placenta known to womankind.  By the time I got to him, he was on formula for his low blood sugar and had a soother stuck in his mouth.  I started breastfeeding him right away but only a few hours later, he was diagnosed with bad jaundice and had to go in the tanning booth.  He continued to need the soother since he was in there unless he was eating and being changed.  And he had to keep drinking formula to flush the bilirubin out.

We saw the hospital LC the day after we were released and had to come back for the bilirubin test.  She told me then to ditch the bottle if I wanted to EBF because in a short time, he would reject the breast.  Enter the feeding tube (a.k.a. the thing that made me nearly lose my marbles).  The feeding tube was placed in a bottle of formula which I would stuff into my bra strap for holding.  Then I would fight with the little tube to get it perfectly in place so Max could suck and still be at the breast.  It was a bloody fucking nightmare.  Ideally you are supposed to tape it to your breast but that never worked for me.  So I was constantly readjusting the tube because it would move… or Max would get the tube wrapped around his hand an pull it out.  Feedings were taking up to an hour or more sometimes.

We continued to see an LC through our family doctor pretty much every week after his one week check up.  I was taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle.  And after 2 or 3 weeks I got put on Domperidone.  And now I’m on the highest dose at 4x10mg, 4 times/day.  My supply is still crap.  When I pump without a feed — that’s right — we also have a rented hospital grade pump and I’ve been pumping after feeds to try to increase supply.  Got that puppy the day after our release from hospital too.  So when I pump without a feed, I’m getting about 2-3 oz.

Just after 5 weeks, we got the okay to ditch the feeding tube and switch to a bottle.  Sanity restored instantly!!  We bought a special Medela bottle that has very slow flow and reduces nipple confusion/drinking too fast.  All this time, Max was not gaining weight like he was supposed to.  Hence the continued visits to the LC for weight checks.  We were giving him bottles at every other feed in addition to breastmilk.  While he was peeing and pooping fine and did not seem dehydrated, he just wasn’t gaining.  We went up to formula at every feed and that’s when he started to gain.

Probably in the last couple of weeks, he began pulling off the breast.  We attributed this to slow flow.  I don’t know if this is truly the case or if it was nipple confusion, because I think he started it after the switch from the the tube.  Over the weekend, he flat out refused to nurse.  Screamed blue murder at the breast.. and then happily gulped back 5oz of formula from a bottle when offered.  When this happened a couple more times, I just gave up.  It’s torture to offer my breast and have him be so unhappy.  I’m pretty sure feeding your baby shouldn’t feel like child abuse.

So I think I’m done.  And I feel like a failure.  Logically, I know that he’ll be just fine on formula.  We’re both happier — well, he’s happier, I’m less stressed.  But it brings up so many old feelings.  I can’t make a baby, I can’t keep a baby living and I can’t breastfeed.  I am less than.  Funny how this experience can negate that fact that I grew a perfectly healthy, full-term, ginormous baby boy that I delivered without any drugs.  All the confidence and good feelings washed away but the immense guilt of faulty boobs.  So much anger at a body that’s failing me once again.  So much wondering if things could have been different “if only”.  Such a feeling of loss of another experience taken away from me.

I posted my defeat on Facebook and was shocked by the support and all the people who either commented or messaged me to say that I wasn’t alone.  So many people struggled to breastfeed and ultimately switched to formula.  Why the hell does nobody talk about it?!  It’s almost as taboo as infertility and loss for crying out loud!  So much guilt out there for those can’t or don’t want to breastfeed… when there’s a whole club of us!

Max will still breastfeed at his early morning feed — because he’s too dopey to protest and because my boobs are full of milk.  Although this morning, the little dude slept extra long and needed a bottle too before he was happy to go back to sleep.  I guess we’ll continue on like that as long as he will.  And I’m still pumping when I can.  Two pumping sessions gets me enough for one feed.  I’ll do this for as long as I can and for as long as it’s worthwhile.  I can’t say I’ll keep it up if my supply starts to dwindle.  I booked an appointment to meet with the LC tomorrow — even though we were “dismissed” last Friday due to the good weight gain.  There’s a big piece of me that is relieved to formula feed — so much easier and less stressful.  But there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to “give up” — and she needs to make sure that there is nothing else she can do.  C asks me what I was hoping to get the LC to “fix” — and I don’t know.  What I really want is to be able to breastfeed my child with ease to his satisfaction.  But I don’t think that’s ever going to be possible.  I have to make sure.  I don’t want to have any regrets — because there have been so many regrets along this “journey” to Max.


I know that a lot of folks struggle with posting pictures of their babies on their “infertility” blogs because it will be painful for those still “in the trenches”.  I will admit, that I have, in the past, stopped reading the blogs of “resolved” women when their blogs became mommy blogs.  I just couldn’t handle it.  I fully expect to lose some readers, and I’m okay with that.  I know reading about babies — even hard won ones — is painful when it’s all you want in the whole world.  But Max is everything I’ve been fighting for over the last nearly 5 years of infertility and loss, and if I want to share his beautiful face or write about being a mom, I will — with no apologies.  If you are in a place to read along, great.  If not, I understand…. far too well.

Below is a shot from our newborn photo shoot.  Max was absolutely unco-operative!  He’s not such a happy guy in the morning (at that point) (honestly, that might be the one thing he got from me!) and he was a total crank pot at the shoot.  We didn’t get to do them until he was 16 days old, so he was beyond that mushy sleep through absolutely everything “newborn” phase from the really early days.

I’ve also added a final “bump” picture in the bump picture page.  And I’ve started a new page with Max’s monthly photos.  I hope you enjoy his adorable-ness as much as I do!

MAX 2013 (55 of 119)


Happy New Year!

Last year, in a wine-induced haze, I wrote this post. I was so defeated by all that 2012 had thrown at me. So many times, just ready to give up. But somehow, there was still some fight in me.  And 2013 proved to be the year where my strength paid off.  It was “my” year.  In so many ways, it was good to us.  Not that the year wasn’t without it’s challenges — but that’s just life, I suppose.  But everything seemed so much more manageable, knowing that a life was growing inside me.  It’s really quite amazing how much energy infertility and grief takes from you… how difficult it makes everything in your life.  For me, anyways.

Every year since 2009, I have picked a word for the year.

2009 – Relax (because if I just relax, I’ll get pregnant — and it was chosen after a stressful but wonderful year of wedding planning.)

2010 – Patience (because all good things come to those who wait and I will get pregnant when the time is right)

2011 – Hope (because I still had some)

2012 – Grateful (because I was finally pregnant and happy — see above post for how this word became about something else)

2013 – Strength (because I wasn’t done fighting and had survived the worst year of my life)

This year, my word is “enjoy”.  I have no plan for this year, no aspirations, no goals.  I just want to be.  I want to take every day and every moment as it comes and enjoy my son and my husband — the two most important people in my life.