Cycle Day One

A while back, a “well-meaning friend”  (that’s what we call it when people who love us say stupid things to us about fertility) said “Just stop trying, that’s what worked for my husband and I.  We just sort of forgot about it and whammy!”  The comment (because it was well-meaning, I didn’t get mad, right?) gave me pause.  I don’t know how to stop trying.  I always know what cycle day I’m on.  I’m always aware of the quality & quantity of my cervical mucus.  And I can never forget about wanting a pregnancy each and every month!  I couldn’t stop trying if I tried!!! 

While we are currently taking a break from our fertility “treatment”, as we sort out the whole low testosterone and ovarian cyst thing, we still continue to try the old fashioned way… despite the fact that our fertility doc told us that we have a 2-3% chance of conceiving on our own.  Seems kind of silly to keep trying, despite the odds… but I can’t seem to put my head around “not trying”.  That would mean one more for sure wasted month… instead of just 97-98% sure wasted.  I was chewing the ear off a good friend last week and she pointed out… isn’t that the effectiveness of birth control?  I never thought of it like that.  It made me laugh… in a what’s the point and why am I doing this kind of way. 

However, being the eternal optimist.. or idiot.. I can’t decide, I continue to get my hopes up each and every month.  Not really high up, I’m starting to be more of a realist.  I kind of make the assumption each month that aunt flo will arrive.  But there is still a piece of me, despite the really loud piece that screams 97-98% CHANCE OF NO PREGNANCY, that thinks maybe this month is the month.  I can’t seem to shake it… even though I know it will end in dissappointment and tears. 

I played with the idea of not having sex during the time that I am fertile.  That would be taking back some control of my life.  Then there’d be a 100% chance of no pregnancy… by choice.  But I can’t do it.  Because.. what if this month is the month? 

It’s insane,  I know.

So the roller coaster has come to a slamming halt in the way that only roller coasters can.  The ride is over. For this cycle.  But the line up is short, so I’ll get right back on for another ride.


3 responses to “Cycle Day One

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