Had a little unsolicited meltdown today. I used to be fairly emotionally stable most of the month, breaking down only after Aunt Flo showed her ugly face. But it would seem the instability can pop up just about anywhere in my cycle now. I supposed it’s depression, if I’m being honest with myself. I’m not interested in meds (ugh.. weight gain and lowered sex drive.. no thanks… I don’t need help in either of those departments). Or therapy (I tried it once, but I don’t need anyone to validate my feelings and help me explore myself). I think I’m going to try more yoga and maybe some meditation. And I’ve been thinking seriously about acupuncture. But it just sucks to feel this way. Sometimes the sadness is so profound that I just feel like I’m drowning. I can’t breathe and I can’t seem to get my arms to swim me to the top for air. I hate that infertility is the boss of me and I can’t seem to take back control of my own life.
The words that I always hold onto are “everything happens for a reason”. Not in a “God only gives us what we can handle” kind of way, but in a “nothing is random” kind of way. And I’ve truly believed these words for a long time. I stopped believing in God a long time ago but I believe in the concept of a Universe with a plan. Perhaps not all that different from “God”, I suppose. Except there’s no old white dude that passes judgement on our sins… and no requirement to attend a sermon once per week and sing hymns. But recently, I’ve found myself wondering if that’s all just garbage. Garbage I tell myself so that shitty stuff doesn’t seem as shitty. I’ve been finding comfort in other Infertility Bloggers lately and one of my favourite blogs is Yolk — she recently blogged about the merits of a benevolent universe. And reading her post felt good (mostly because it’s nice to know that I’m not crazy and that other people think about this crap) but it really made me start to think about what I believe about the world. Isn’t believing that “everything happens for a reason” just like believing in a divine plan? And what if life just is. No plan. Just stuff. Some of it good, some of it shitty. All of it completely random. I don’t know. I guess it really is like belief in a god.. you have faith that s/he exists. I remember having a conversation with a very religious schoolmate one day about faith and God. Why do you believe in God? Because I have faith? And why do you have faith? Because I believe in God and he says to have faith. It seemed very circular to me and I didn’t get it… I still don’t.
So why hold on to the belief that “everything happens for a reason”? So that the shitty stuff has a purpose? Because if suffering has a purpose, maybe it won’t hurt so bad? Seems kind of lame, doesn’t it?
A client expressed a case of “why me” the other day. You know, “why is this happening to me?” Why am I different from everyone else?” “Why can everyone else do this but me?” (It’s really part of the 2nd stage of grief, which is anger, if we’re going to get all social worky on this situation) and my response to her was: “We all have our own journey.. our own struggles. This is a piece of who you are, it’s part of your story.” We cannot control what happens to us, but we can make a choice as to how we let it shape who we are. It’s kind of like a choose your own adventure book, I suppose. You pick a path and follow the story at every turn hoping that it leads somewhere in the end.
I don’t know where I stand on the “everything happens for a reason” debate anymore. What I do know, is that I don’t like this part of my story. It sucks. It sucks large. But it is shaping who I am.. and how I look at the world and everything in it.