Your verbals don't match your non-verbals

Only therapists would talk to each other like this.

My co-worker pointed this out to me yesterday.  Damnit, I thought I was better at faking it!  I don’t think my verbals have matched what’s going on inside me head for a long time!  But no one has seemed to notice, so I guess I am doing a better job at faking it most days.  I don’t have a choice.  I have to keep functioning.  I have to keep doing my thing.  There are days when I’d like nothing more than to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head…  pretend this is not my life.  But I have to flick the switch.  I have to get up, look presentable, put on a cheery face, and help others with their problems.

I sloughed off the comment… blamed it on being tired and just coming from the dentist… which was not untrue, but not the truth.  I wasn’t about to explain that I was (ridiculously, inexplicably) heartbroken (again) about another lost cycle.  I’d allowed myself to be convinced that maybe miracles do happen.  I’ve been charting again and it was a weird one this month — I actually ovulated really late, but the program I use to keep record actually said I ovulated earlier (because my temps rose for 3 days slightly before dropping and then rising much higher again)… which made my luteal phase look REALLY long.  So even though my temps were dropping slightly, they didn’t got below the coverline and I allowed myself to believe that I might actually be pregnant.

Blah-de-blah.  Only people who chart will understand all this crap.  Stupid mindfuck.

But I sloughed off the comment because the switch had been switched… I was in work mode… strong mode… tough as nails mode.  And to unswitch that?  Well let’s just say I’m one loose thread away from a complete unravel.


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