Today

Today is the beginning of Canadian Infertility Awareness Week (May 15-21).

Today, I posted that as my status on Facebook.  Not that I’ve made any big secret about what we’ve been going through (shit, I have a frickin’ blog for all the world, including my real life peeps to see!), but I’ve never really said anything on fb.

Today, I am also a shitty friend. One of my dearest friends is having her baby shower.  And I’m not there.  I couldn’t do it.  I was seized with fear at the prospect of being in that room.  Watching everyone celebrate what I can’t have.  I was afraid I’d lose it… make a scene.  So I chose not to go.  To preserve what’s left of my sometimes fragile sanity.  But I feel guilty.  And angry.  Fucking infertility is making me a bad friend.  You win this one, infertility.  I shouldn’t be at home.  I should be throwing that fucking shower.

Today, I’m spending some time in my scrapbooking room.  Because it’s my healing.  I’m working away at a gift for my friend that I hope she’ll cherish and accept instead of my presence today.  Maybe it makes me a little less of a shitty friend.

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6 responses to “Today

  • Tracey

    You are not a shitty friend although I can understand how you are feeling that way! Sometimes you have to do what is best for you and I cannot even imagine the turmoil you would feel sitting through that shower. If your friend is truly a friend she will understand.

    I would say Happy Canadian Infertility Awareness Week but obviously that is just so not a good thing to say. So, instead I will keep you in my thoughts this week and wish really hard that you will not have to even acknowledge this week next year!!

  • Heather

    you are not a shitty friend, and anyone who wouldn’t, or couldn’t understand why you weren’t present at that shower doesn’t deserve you as their friend. you are an amazing person and know that no one will think any less of you for the decision you made – because it was the right one for you – you are not a bad friend.
    xo

  • Wannabemom

    Let me clarify, that my friend did say she understood. But it didn’t make me feel any less shitty about it.

  • TB

    Don’t ever think that about yourself….you were being a very caring friend, being considerate that you didn’t want to spoil your friend’s shower in any way. She definitely knows how great a friend you are. She will definitely cherish whatever gift you give her because it was made with love and she knows how hard you work on these mementos. If you were a bad friend you wouldn’t even be working so hard on a gift…so there – YOU ARE NOT A BAD FRIEND – you are a great lady and don’t you ever forget that! xo

  • Kendall

    I am a way shittier friend than you are for missing your birthday party 😦 I am also trying to make it up to you with an awesome gift, so I guess we’re on the same wavelength with that one…

    No one thinks poorly of you for not being there. And we all know who’s gonna want to hold the baby all the time once he comes 😉 It was smart of you to know it was too much for you to go to the shower–that was not the time to be a martyr. I guess what I’m saying is you made the right decision, not that you really needed me to tell you that.

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