Today is the beginning of Canadian Infertility Awareness Week (May 15-21).
Today, I posted that as my status on Facebook. Not that I’ve made any big secret about what we’ve been going through (shit, I have a frickin’ blog for all the world, including my real life peeps to see!), but I’ve never really said anything on fb.
Today, I am also a shitty friend. One of my dearest friends is having her baby shower. And I’m not there. I couldn’t do it. I was seized with fear at the prospect of being in that room. Watching everyone celebrate what I can’t have. I was afraid I’d lose it… make a scene. So I chose not to go. To preserve what’s left of my sometimes fragile sanity. But I feel guilty. And angry. Fucking infertility is making me a bad friend. You win this one, infertility. I shouldn’t be at home. I should be throwing that fucking shower.
Today, I’m spending some time in my scrapbooking room. Because it’s my healing. I’m working away at a gift for my friend that I hope she’ll cherish and accept instead of my presence today. Maybe it makes me a little less of a shitty friend.