Just over a week ago, I was so filled with hope. I was… happy. It made me realize how far from happy I really have been lately. I rode the wave… and thought I could keep riding right through the 2WW until all my hopes get officially crushed when the roller coaster comes to a crushing halt… like it always does. But I stopped feeling hopeful the other day. For no reason. I just realized that I no longer believe that this cycle will be successful. It was helped along by a phone call from a nurse at our clinic on Saturday, advising that Dr. M had reviewed our file and would like to see my husband’s sperm analysis from the other clinic, as well as set up a follow-up appointment to discuss options. My response was blunt “wow, are we that hopeless? Can’t we even wait until we can confirm that this cycle was a complete failure?”. I don’t think they realize what that phone call sounds like. And I don’t know why they can’t wait another week to make that call. I also think she was taken aback by my response. She’s new. Perhaps she’s not quite used to the snarky bitchiness that accompanies infertility.
But my hope was gone before that call. That call just made it all good and solid. Thanks for the birthday present, dear clinic. Yep.. good call to get the day before my birthday and only hours before my birthday bbq. I had to keep myself together for a yard full of people… and keep on keeping on. But that’s a post for another time.
I woke up this morning with sore chest and thought.. maybe this is the “breast soreness” that I hear so much about! I’m that desparate for a sign that I’ll take a pulled muscle from gardening and turn it into a deception! Ugh. I just keep waiting for my break. Can’t the universe cut me some slack?
I feel like such a whiner and I feel like all I post about is the shit. But there’s a lot of shit and there’s little happy.
I’m officially the chapter leader of the support group now. Part of that makes me really excited. Part of that makes me really angry that this has become my life. I should be organizing a play group, not this.
Blah. Anyways.. that’s all the random ramblings I got for today… expired hope.