Knowing when to fold ’em

When we set out on this journey, we naively believed it would be as easy for us as it would be for everyone else in our world.  After a year of well-timed trying (and really, even before this), we knew there was something wrong.  But it takes a lot to break out of that denial and make that call to the doctor.  It means admitting their is a problem.  And to admit, is to face.

We’re at an impasse now.

I don’t think we’ll ever be successful with IUI.  I think our clinic will let us continue to try with IUI for as long as we want, with whatever medications we want, but at what cost to our sanity?  Our marriage?

This cycle was a veritable disaster.  It culminated with me having a complete meltdown in a carpool lot and slamming my fists into my husband’s chest and saying things to him that were meaner than I’d ever said. This is the man that I love so much that I want to have a family with him, yet I made him feel like he might be asked to leave our home.

This part of our journey is over.  I don’t want to move on to IVF.  I’m angry that we have to move on to IVF.  But it’s where we need to go.

I’m angry because it’s a shitload of money that we don’t have.  I’m angry because our government won’t pay for it, when infertility is a recognized disease.  I’m angry because we have two choices.  I can sit back and save money for IVF and get another year older and another year more depressed, or we can go into more debt and do it now.  I’m angry because after all that money is spent, there is still no guarantee that we get to bring home our baby.

It’s not an option to give up.  It’s not an option to wait… even though that would be the responsible choice, I suppose.  (Don’t worry, the committee is going over and over in my head how a good parent would be more responsible.)

Once upon a time, I had my tarot cards read.  My question was: when will I have a baby?  The cards were interesting.  They said that I would face something that I always thought I would and that it would be diffifult, but in the end, I turned up the card with a family on it.  I have tucked that reading deep in my heart.  At the time, I didn’t think it meant infertility.  I thought it meant my fear of being a good mother.  I just keep holding on to the fact that I turned up the family card. 

This cycle is not over and it’s not like there is zero chance that we’re pregnant, but it might as well be. (And please spare me any platitudes about this, I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s not helpful)

We have an appointment with Dr. M. on August 10.  Hopefully, by the end of August, I’ll be on birth control to start the IVF process.  My kids may not get to go to Disney, but hopefully they’ll understand that their parents are still paying of the debts that gave them life.

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4 responses to “Knowing when to fold ’em

  • Mo

    I may be in a different situation, but I totally get it. It is unendingly heartbreaking when you pass yet another milestone, and have to pull out even bigger guns. My heart goes out to you. xoxo

  • Tippy

    You know, I had this exact same conversation with myself back in late 2008 before we started our first IVF cycle. If I look back on myself then, I can truly truly feel the same things you are feeling. In fact, I feel them now as I enter into a donor egg IVF cycle. I NEVER thought I would be here when we began this. But yet, 4 and a half years later, here we are. I don’t mean this as a downer, but moreso, I mean this as a comfort. I do know EXACTLY where you are at right now and I’m very sorry that you have to make those decisions and have to move onto the next step. But please know that we are here to support you and encourage you and hold your hope when you don’t feel any. Hugs.

  • bodegabliss

    I don’t know what to say except that I know how you must be feeling. I feel like I’m on the verge of wanting to “fold ’em” now as I still have a long road ahead of me if I decide to keep trying. But like you said, at what cost?

    (also, now I have that song in my head. 🙂 )

    xoxo

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