Vacation is supposed to make you relaxed, right?

Two weeks away from work and all I feel is annoyed that I have to go back tomorrow.

Camping was okay, but I was surrounded by babies and families.  It was a constant reminder of our infertility.  So I opted to rotate through holding all the babies as much as I could… and taking really long trips to go pee, just to escape for awhile.  I opted to abstain from the alcohol because sometimes it loosens up my mouth and I was afraid I’d say something stupid and ruin the party, or start bawling like an imbecile… because alcohol does that sometimes too.

We had our appointment with Dr. M. and it’s full speed ahead with IVF.  Ugh.  I can’t believe we’re here.  Part of me is really looking forward to getting the ball rolling (who would have thought I’d be looking forward to getting my period and starting birth control in my attempt to become pregnant?).  And part of me is terrified… for so many reasons.  Mostly I’m terrified that it won’t work.  Dr. M. said we have a greater than 34% chance because of my age, but that’s a 66% percent chance of failure.  I’m terrified because with every failed step we take forward, it feels like we’re closer to the end.  And I’m terrified about what that end is.  But the other side of my Gemini personality has decided that this IVF will work.  And we’ll have a beautiful baby (did I mention that I’m terrified of having twins?) next June.  And that will be perfect because my husband, the teacher, will have two months off to spend with us.

It all sounds a little too perfect to be my life.  But what else can I do but hope?

And then to ice the already rotten cake, I got some really crummy news outside of our fertility stuff (there’s more to life than infertility?! who knew?!) that has left me emotionally wrecked and emotionally numb all at the same time.

It’s just life happening.


4 responses to “Vacation is supposed to make you relaxed, right?

  • Mo

    I don’t know what the non-IF news is, but I’m sorry things aren’t going well. 😦
    Hang in there, don’t try to force yourself to relax, because it’s an exercise in futility!
    Still crossing all appendages for you!

  • Tippy

    Welcome back! I remember when we had to make the plunge into IVF and i was scares sh*tless. I was in denial that I had to go that far to get pregnant. I was worried about the cost and I was worried about the let down if it didn’t work, but you’re right. The ONLY way to go through this to get your baby is forward, with hope. Because with out it, it would be a sad world. Big hugs to you in this and also your crummy news outside of infertility. We’re here for you.

  • Monique

    Just started reading your blog…found it from the SOFT blog. Amazing….I don’t know what else to say. You have written how I feel and I have never met you! You talk about a support group, is it an infertility support group? Good luck with the IVF.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: