Two weeks away from work and all I feel is annoyed that I have to go back tomorrow.
Camping was okay, but I was surrounded by babies and families. It was a constant reminder of our infertility. So I opted to rotate through holding all the babies as much as I could… and taking really long trips to go pee, just to escape for awhile. I opted to abstain from the alcohol because sometimes it loosens up my mouth and I was afraid I’d say something stupid and ruin the party, or start bawling like an imbecile… because alcohol does that sometimes too.
We had our appointment with Dr. M. and it’s full speed ahead with IVF. Ugh. I can’t believe we’re here. Part of me is really looking forward to getting the ball rolling (who would have thought I’d be looking forward to getting my period and starting birth control in my attempt to become pregnant?). And part of me is terrified… for so many reasons. Mostly I’m terrified that it won’t work. Dr. M. said we have a greater than 34% chance because of my age, but that’s a 66% percent chance of failure. I’m terrified because with every failed step we take forward, it feels like we’re closer to the end. And I’m terrified about what that end is. But the other side of my Gemini personality has decided that this IVF will work. And we’ll have a beautiful baby (did I mention that I’m terrified of having twins?) next June. And that will be perfect because my husband, the teacher, will have two months off to spend with us.
It all sounds a little too perfect to be my life. But what else can I do but hope?
And then to ice the already rotten cake, I got some really crummy news outside of our fertility stuff (there’s more to life than infertility?! who knew?!) that has left me emotionally wrecked and emotionally numb all at the same time.
It’s just life happening.