Feeling like this might be over

48 hours from now, I’ll know for sure, but I just feel like we’ve failed, I’ve failed, to grow our embabies.  Of course, I took a pregnancy test on Tuesday and it was negative, but it’s okay because it’s early so I can mindfuck my way into believing that it’s just too early to know.  Yesterday, I had some bleeding, just a bit and it’s stopped, but I was convinced it was the end.  I madly googled everything I possibly could to get answer — because I thought I wouldn’t get a period until I stopped the progesterone.  All I got were a bunch of different experiences and nothing conclusive.. of course.  It could be late implantation bleeding (10dp3dt, fyi), I suppose, but it just made me believe that I’ve failed and our babies are gone.  I had me a good hopeless cry — a sign of things to come, if my suspicions are right.  I took another pregnancy test this morning but fucked it up so the test didn’t work properly.  And I was all out of pee so I couldn’t test again!  And dammit, I’d been holding that pee for hours in preparation — I usually get up in the middle of the night to go.

I called the clinic and was given the patent “it could be bad, it could be good — you won’t know till the blood test”.  Which I know is the logical answer, but still.  They did tell me I could increase my progesterone to 3 times/day (oh goody, how am I going to use it at work — there’s no bed to borrow!) but I’m not sure what to do because the bleeding stopped.  (Fellow IFers — any thoughts?)  I’m also out of progesterone (I might have dropped one early on and shattered it into waxy pieces) as of tomorrow morning, so I had to request more.  And get this, it has to come from the pharmacy that the clinic uses in town (one hour from where I live) so I either had to go pick it up tomorrow or get it shipped via Purolator.  Picking it up meant I could get my blood work a day early, but I chose to have it shipped.  I want to live in mindfuck world for one more day before my weekend is ruined.  I have a gathering with my girlfriends on Friday night and I really need to be with them and have some fun and I know I wouldn’t go if I was devastated by reality.  So, getting it shipped… to my husband’s school…. because someone has to be there to receive it and I don’t trust my workplace not to fuck it up.  That’s right, shipping my vaginal progesterone suppositories to my husband’s school.

So that’s where I’m at.  Full of unknown, full of pessimism.  I really did try to be positive.  I talked to them everyday, showed them the room that would be their nursery.  I just wish the bleeding hadn’t happened and that I had some symptoms.  Are wanting sore boobs too much to ask?  I’m so used to failing at this fertility stuff, that succeeding just seems like something that happens to other people.


11 responses to “Feeling like this might be over

  • Jen

    In three of my cycles, I had spotting half way through the tww. None of them resulted in a pregnancy. At least, not a pregnancy that could be detected on a test. My doctor suggested I could have been experiencing implantation bleeding, but he couldn’t say for sure.

    I was on progesterone suppositories for one of those cycles. I had more spotting with that cycle than with the other two. I did some googling about it and found that some women experience irritation from the suppositories and that’s what causes the bleeding. Apparently it’s coming from the cervix/vaginal wall, not the uterus. So perhaps that’s what your spotting was about?

    I know it’s all conjecture. And that sucks. The waiting sucks. The losing hope sucks. I’ll be hanging onto hope for you, though. *hugs*

  • Infertile Days

    Sorry to hear about the negative test – perhaps its too early? Hoping you will get a good surprise in 48 hours…

  • Heather

    Hang in there. I’m continuing to stay positive for you, as are a lot of others, so it’s ok for you to feel the other side.

    No symptoms doesn’t mean anything at this point; as someone fortunate enough to have been there symptoms don’t appear for everyone right away, some never even get any of them. So try to keep hope.

    Saturday is two long days away and I’ll continue to think of you and C and the embabies.


  • Shara

    Don’t open that bottle of wine yet. I took a pee test before my blood test and the pee one at the Dr’s office was negative and the blood one at the lab 3 days later was positive- they told me it must’ve been too early. We’ll be here for you guys no matter what though, and are hoping for good things for you this weekend.

  • Dad

    Holding out for the blood tests and being optimistic that good news will come our way honey…Love you…xoxo

  • Mom

    I’m still holding positive thoughts….blood tests are the best tests to go by….only two more days – we’ll continue to pray….love you both! xo

  • Belle

    Oh sweetie, I am experiencing that chest sucking feeling for you right now. I know the agony you are going through. It is so frustrating that all we can do to support you is leave a comment. Know I’m sending you all the strength I can muster to help you through the next few days and that I’m only an email away if you want to talk. *Big Hugs*

  • Lisa

    Try not to give up hope – there could be other reasons for the bleeding – implantation or possibly from using the suppositories…. I had spotting before our blood test and was also told to increase to 3 suppositories a day – which I hated too :-)… For us, the IVF wasn’t successful, but have heard positive results for others even with spotting beforehand. We start our frozen embryo transfer next week (fingers crossed this time). Sounds like you have a really good support system – lean on them, feed on their positivity, and know that you have others thinking of you as well. Praying for a BFP test for you!

  • SB

    I had a similar experience to Shara once and I had spotting with all 3 of my pregnancies – all 3 at different times and different types of spotting. Hang in there and good for you for going out tonight, best thing you can do right now! Thank goodness for girlfriends and distraction. I’ll be following and sending all my positive thoughts your way.

  • Mrs. H.

    I am hoping that today brings the good news you have been waiting for.

  • Tippy

    i hope that the bleeding was implantation bleeding! hoping hoping hoping. but i understand the need to have a good cry, regardless. i feel like you are brave for peeing on sticks. i could never do it. i STILl haven’t done it. as for increasing the progesterone, i’d say if you think you will regret not doing it, then do it. that’s how i try to go about these things. make sense? i like living in mindfuck world too. it’s way easier than knowing something bad, in my opinion… but everyone does this different. just know that you are not alone right now.

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