The Story

I’m not sure why I need to tell it.  I think I need to tell it for me so that it’s out of my head — although I’m quite certain I will never be without it.  Maybe I need to tell it for you, so you know what happened… so you don’t ask me to tell it again and again.  And maybe I need to tell it for her — it’s her birth story — to prove that she was real… she existed.

Monday, January 23rd – Went to Hamilton to see the OB.  Saw our beautiful baby moving around on the ultrasound.  Told that we could be facing a miscarriage due to the amount of blood loss.  Likely a placental abruption caused by the subchorionic hematoma, but it was uncertain.  Also, my cervix was shortened.  But a cerclage was absolutely contraindicated due to the bleeding.  Little did I understand, this was my body preparing to give birth.

 

Tuesday, January 24th – Some bleeding in the morning and back pain coming at intervals.  Phone the OB and told to go to hospital if I’m soaking a pad an hour.  The pain subsides and I spend the day in bed.

 

Wednesday, January 25th – In the wee hours of the morning, I awaken to bleeding and pain at consistent intervals – every 4-5 minutes.  These must be contractions.  We go to Grand River Hospital.  Another ultrasound shows that baby is still alive but her heart rate is quite high.  There’s nothing they can do but send me home.  If the bleeding continues, come back. He tells me that I will not pass the baby because it’s too big.  I’ll need surgery if there is a miscarriage.  The pain has stopped.  I spend the day in bed again.  That night, we go to bed.  The contractions are back but somehow I manage to sleep for awhile.

 

Thursday, January 26th – around 6am, I awake to pain and bleeding.  The bleeding is so bad and it won’t stop.  I sit on the toilet and the blood and clots pour out of me.  The pain is horrible.  I’m weak and I scare my amazing husband because I can barely stand on my own and put pants on.  We race to Grand River Hospital again.  The contractions are every 1-2 minutes.  We arrive at the hospital and are seen immediately.  My blood pressure is low and they rush me into emergency.  There are machines and things hooked up to me but I barely notice.  The pain continues.  I continue to contract and bleed and pass clots on the hospital bed.  The physician comes in with an ultrasound machine.  It doesn’t matter.  I know our baby is gone.  He tells me “you’ve passed the baby”.  I think he means at home, in the toilet.  He doesn’t.  He means that I’ve passed her right there in the hospital on the bed.  I didn’t realize it at the time, just thinking it was another clot.  But now I remember.  There was a release… I just didn’t know it was the birth of our beautiful, perfect baby.  He asks us if we want to see the baby.  I do.  C doesn’t.  We both look at our perfect, tiny little angel.  It’s the saddest, most beautiful moment.  Our child.  I tell her I love her and that I’m so incredibly sorry.  They do some clean up of me, of the baby.  And then we get to hold her.  Wrapped in a pure white blanket is our tiny angel.  So perfect.  I don’t know how long we were with her.  I wish with all my heart that I could have those moments back.  I wish to hold her again.  C picks up the tiny blanket and holds her in his two hands.  My heart is broken because he is the most amazing father.  He is thankful that I wanted to see the baby and hold the baby.  At some point, it’s time to let go.  How long are you supposed to be with her?  We take her picture so we’ll never forget her perfect little face.  They take her away and do footprints and handprints and molds of her hands and feet.  We don’t know for sure that she’s a girl.  She’s too tiny to tell.  But every ounce of my being feels that she’s our daughter.  We’ll get to know when the pathology reports come back.  This is not how this is supposed to be.

The rest is just medical.  I couldn’t pass the rest of the placenta for some reason.  So I lied there in discomfort for hours.  They do an ultrasound and see that there are “products of conception” left to pass.  I wait and wait and wait for the OB on call to come down and give further instruction.  It’s a busy day in labour and delivery — and the moms giving birth to live babies take priority — as they should.  We speak with the social worker.  She is great but it’s all too much to take in.  They give us a box and and a quilt and it’s awesome but it’s not our baby.  My blood pressure continues to fluctuate between low and normal.  I attempt to get up because it seems like I have to pee.  The colour drains from my face and I scare my amazing husband again.  I’m weak, light-headed and nauseous.  I lay back down and I’m not allowed to pee for now.  While I wait and wait, I rest off and on.  They keep testing me and taking blood.  My hemoglobin is low.  The OB finally comes in and tells me that he wants me to have a D&C because I’m not a good candidate for the medication that forces more contractions — I’ve lost too much blood.  I don’t care.  I just want it to be over.  Usually, they send you home after a D&C but they will have me stay because of the hemoglobin.  I wait some more for the operating room to call me up.  I’m scared because I’ve never had any type of surgery.  It goes well.  It’s painless because they knock me out.  I take 3 deep breaths into the mask and wake up 1.5 hours later in a different room — crying.  I just want to be with my husband again.  I’m grateful for the sips of ginger ale and the kind nurse who keeps calling me ‘dolly’.  I’m reunited with my husband who looks relieved.  We’re moved to a surgical discharge room for the night.  It’s nearly midnight and my roommates are snoring.  There is a crazy woman in the hallway talking to the walls.  I send my husband away to get some food  for himself — it’s been hours since he’s eaten.  And I cry.  This is how the story ends.  Just like that, it’s over.  And I cry and cry.

 

Friday, January 27th — My hemoglobin is still low but I got up and walked to the bathroom to pee without passing out so I get bonus points.  They will release me after breakfast.  I ravenously eat the best breakfast ever.  It’s been 36 hours since I ate.  We leave the hospital.  While I wait for C to get the car, I sit helplessly in the wheelchair crying.  I watch another woman leave the hospital with her baby in a carseat… the way the story is supposed to end.  Reality sets in.  We are going home without our child.

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42 responses to “The Story

  • Jennifer

    Thank you for sharing. The blog world is an odd place. I feel like I know you, although we’ve never met. I think of you often, and I can’t believe what you have had to endure. I will continue to pray – for good health and for strength for you and C. Blessings & love, J

  • cadyncesmom

    Sending prayers and comforting thoughts your way. None of us should ever have to feel the pain you are now suffering. From LFCA.

    XOXO

  • veetamia

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. Know that you and your baby are in my thoughts and prayers ♥

  • Alissa

    I sit here and cry and cry for you. I too lost my precious 20 week twins after going into premature labor. I tried for over 2 years to get pregnant and finally did after IVF, only to lose them too soon.

    I hate hearing other women have to go through this. It was the worst day of my life and I can’t help but bleed for you.

    My story is so similar. The Dr’s are back and forth about a hematoma/placental abruption and possible IC. We just don’t know 100% and I may not know. It’s terrifying. It’s been about 3 months since my loss and I am working through it with the help of my writing, telling my story, and the blogging community. Keep writing as much as it hurts and it will help you too.

    I grieve my babies every single day and wish I could just hold them again. If you need anything please let me know. I can listen. In fact, I may need an ear too.

    I’m thinking of you and sending all peaceful thoughts to you. I’m so very sorry. So sorry. I’ll send people your way.

  • scarednot2followhim

    My heart breaks for you and C. I can’t imagine what that must be like. Prayers for strength and comfort for you and C. *hugs*

  • kalyn

    Here from missconception.
    I am so sorry for your loss. I am thinking of you an yur hubby.
    Hugs.

  • JT

    I’m so sorry. Life is not fair. Thank you for sharing such a personal story. When you become a mother you will be an awesome one because you know what a gift it is. And you will be a mom, I feel this with all my being. I will pray for you.

  • Tales of a Tree Hugging (Almost) Attorney

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. Remember to be kind to yourself.

  • Ericka

    My tears today are for you. I’m so sorry and I hope you find some moments of peace today. (Hugs)

  • Courtney

    I’m so sorry for your loss. There are no words except that no parent should ever have to lose a child. I hope you find strength in each other to get through this.

  • Emily

    My heart is breaking for all three of you. Like Jennifer said, we’ve never met, but I feel like I know you- or at least I know your story and I’m so sorry and am thinking of you all…

  • Belle

    Heartbreaking. Love and strength to you both.

  • Jen

    I cried as I read this. My heart is breaking for you. I’m so very sorry.

  • Searching for Serenity

    I am so very sorry for your loss.

    It is eerily reminiscent of the death and birth of my son 10 months ago. Placental abruption caused by a SCH at 16 weeks.

    Allow yourself to grieve. This time will be hard but over time you will be able to find the beauy in what her legacy left and you will be a stronger women because of it.

    Big virtual hugs to you.
    -Searching for Serenity

  • Nichole

    There are no words that I can give to ease your pain, although I wish there were. I pray that God gives you strength to get through this horrible time and the courage to try again when you are ready. Sending you a gigantic virtual hug!

  • Heather

    Thank you go sharing your horrific story, it will help others understand, and I appreciate how strong you are to be able to share it. I still don’t know what to say or do other than tell you you are all in my thoughts daily and I wish your story didn’t end this way.

    Sending love and hugs to you both.

    xoxo

  • Shara

    I’m so sorry you and C had to go through this. You both were in my thoughts all weekend. Sending healing energy to you both.
    -S

  • Mo

    I am so incredibly endlessly sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.

  • Detour

    I am so, so sorry for the loss of your baby. My heart breaks for you and your husband and I can’t imagine how painful this must be.

  • Nico

    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you. I wish no-one ever had to go through this. xoxo. (LFCA)

  • Chickenpig

    I’m so terribly sorry. I don’t know you, but I know your pain. I wish so much you didn’t have to endure it. Keep sharing your story. Your baby was real, and your loss is real. Thinking of you and your husband during this difficult time. With my heartfelt sympathy….CP

  • SB

    Oh M. Thought I’d catch up on your blog today and here I am with tears and a broken heart and know that what I am feeling is nothing compared to what you and C are going through. A daughter lost. Thank you for sharing this last post and I hope you will continue to blog and process your journey. I will continue to follow and support you, willing you strength, great peace, and much hope, especially in these darkest of days.

  • Sarah

    I’m here from MissConception’s blog. I just want you know how heartbroken I am for you over the loss of your baby girl. Praying for you and sending lots of love your way ❤

  • Kendall

    I wish more than anything that I could take your pain away, but the only way to do that would be to take away the fact of your daughter’s existence and who wants that? I can only hope that in time your pain fades while your love for her and each other strengthens.

  • Amy

    I’m so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl. I, too, remember that terrible release, the natural euphoria that comes immediately after giving birth, even when that birth happened way too early and brought heartache. My husband and I lost our twins at 14w2d on August 5, 2011. I had a similar experience, although my 7 weeks of bleeding was due to an angry endocervical polyp, not a SCH. I wasn’t turned away and told to go home, but I *wasn’t* taken seriously by my HMO for the entire week before our tragedy occurred, each time when I called with new, scary symptoms (such as the loss of my mucus plug).

    This is such a long, difficult journey. Know that you have many, many sisters walking the path with you, ahead of you, shining a light and holding your hand, loving you through it as we have been loved.

    Hugs to you…

  • Hattie

    I am so very very sorry. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family.

  • psychsarah

    Kendall really said it well. Better than I could. Much love to both of you as you grieve your sweet baby girl.

  • Amber

    Thank you for sharing the personal details of your daughter’s birth story, M. You and C are in my thoughts everyday – sending healing thoughts, peace and love to you…

  • Laura

    So very sorry for your loss.

  • Emily @ablanket2keep

    I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you and your Hubby love and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugz!

  • Cristy

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s too terrible for words. Thank you for having the courage to share your story.

  • Jen

    I’m here from MissConception…….

    There isn’t anything anyone can say that will make you feel better. So just know that there is one more person out there saying prayers for you and your family. Your story brought me back to August 1st of last year when I lost my girls. They are with your little angel.

    Hugs

  • Infertile Days

    heartbreaking. i am so sorry for your loss…

  • Geoff

    My heart is crying, love to both of you.
    Geoff

  • mothernatureschmature

    This must have been so incredibly difficult to write about. I’m so sorry that this has happened.

  • Living Our Life in Cycles

    I’m here from MissConception’s blog. My heart aches for you. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Sending love and thoughts your way.

  • Lisa

    Thank-you for sharing such a personal story…my heart goes out to your and your husband.. Wishing you comfort and peace.

  • lisa

    No amount of words can make this better for you and C. Thank you for being so brave and strong to share your story. Sending you strength, peace and lots of love.

  • jennmet

    Nothing I can say, can help you, but I’m sending you love and light. You and C are amazing… love you both and I’m crying right now from reading this. xo
    j

  • Jennifer

    I’m thinking of you guys today. I saw Brad’s note, and I believe we are seeing the same fertility angels. This is a heart wrenching time for you, but I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you have a great crew praying for you and you are in good hands. Blessings, j

  • M

    I’m so sorry. She is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve been through it and feel your pain.

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