Not a good day

There is a split second, a moment, when I wake up everyday that I forget and think that everything is normal.  It’s fleeting and I just want to grab it and wrap myself in it.  But then it’s gone as though it never happened and I’m forced into the reality that is my life right now.  And then I just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep it all away.

Today, that beautiful moment was taken away too.  I awoke from dreams about my dead baby and all the “what ifs”.  Even my dreams are not sacred anymore.

So it’s not a good day today.  It’s 3:30pm and I’m counting the minutes until my husband gets home… he’s the only thing that makes me feel better.  I’m not showered, my teeth are not brushed.  True signs that today is bad.  I’ve prided myself on doing at least those two things everyday.

I just want to cry and scream… the hurt is bad today.

I hate this.

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8 responses to “Not a good day

  • Heather

    I know it’s not a lot of comfort, but please continue to know you have a lot of people rooting for you, and are in your corner to support you as you grieve and go through all the horrible things you are having to go through right now.
    xo

  • Jen

    I’m so sorry. I wish I could say or do something to ease your pain.

    Thinking of you…

  • Mo

    You’re constantly in my thoughts M. I’ve cried and cried for you and selfishly for me too. I wish I could say it goes away, but it never does. It just dulls after a while. Bit by bit, little moments of “normalcy” seep in your days. Then one day you realize that the bad times aren’t as often or , as intense… and you feel a guilty about it but at the same time you realize you will survive. It’s a long, dark, and very lonely road. Personally I became like 2 different people – “I’m OK, it wasn’t mean to be blah blah blah” and the real me was feeling like I was dying inside – like there would never be colour in my world ever again. 3 yrs later I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. I know that doesn’t help you at all, M. I wish there was something that I could do that would tho!

  • amanda

    Oh hun – I can only imagine. When I had my second miscarriage in a row, I couldn’t leave the couch – some days I would just bawl uncontrollably. Both pregnancies ended in the first trimester – I can’t even begin to understand the hurt you are dealing with. My only advice is to continue to feel each emotion and if need be – seek help. Find a therapist/counselor or talk to your dr. It may take someone outside to help you deal with the grief your experiencing. Like I’ve said before – we live in the same neck of the woods so if you ever, and I mean EVER, need an ear of someone who gets it, then please let me know!

    *Hugs*

  • Alissa

    You know that I understand. There is nothing in the world like losing your baby. I remember all too well waking up and having to remember all over again. Sometimes you forget you aren’t pregnant anymore and other days you feel like you were never pregnant to begin with – that it was a dream.
    I wish I could be there to hug you hon. I could use one too. Cry whenever you need to. That’s what I’m doing. Reach out if you can. Either committ to writing your feelings every day, find a loss group to join, do something special to remember your child…everything helps a little.
    I just passed 4 months and I am having longer stretches where I am okay. It’s only a couple days at a time, but it’s something.
    We’re here for you hon. Stay strong and grab on to whatever peace you can find.

  • Infertile days

    its hard, i know. i didn’t know how to deal with it so i decided to go to a counsellor after my miscarriage… it doesn’t ‘fix’ everything, but i found it helped, just a suggestion.
    on getting thru it, its like Alissa says above – there will be times where you feel ok (someday). it might start out as just moments, and then minutes, and then hours. writing is good too.

  • Rachel @ Eggs In A Row

    Big hugs. xoxo

  • Life

    I’m sorry you were having a bad day. I so get it.
    I have many bad days. But then I have a good day and I feel a bit better….. I hope you can have some good days!
    hugs

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