On Spirituality

Most of the time, I’m pretty good with not having a religion. I’m just not sure what I believe. I generally would like to think that things are not random and that the “universe” has some kind of plan. I don’t know if there’s some entity at the controls or not. After my first bleed, feeling so completely helpless, I prayed. And I continued to pray everyday for “god” to please keep my baby safe and healthy and make everything okay. Clearly, “god” was busy in the month of January or just wasn’t all that interested in listening. Perhaps a religious person (or at least someone with more faith than I) would say that god was listening and that this was the plan. And in some moments, I’m able to believe that there was a greater plan at play. What if Abby had been born after viability but with severe disabilities? What if whatever caused this situation did something really bad to my health? Most of the time, I still want to stomp my feet and scream “why me”?!! , don’t get me wrong. I don’t know why I am being made to walk this path — to suffer this pain — but I do believe that it has changed me for the better. I am, ultimately, a better person for the experiences I have lived — I have to believe that. And hopefully, that will make me a better mother… if I ever get the chance again.

Further to this whole lack of religion business is this: what happens to us when we die? Heaven? Reincarnation? Nothingness? I know that no one really knows what happens, but it might be nice to have a belief about this. When I was lying in emerg after losing Abby, I said to my husband “I feel like she’s with Barb”. Barb was a friend of mine that I worked with when we lived up north for a spell. She died after a quick and dirty battle with cancer in November 2010. I don’t know where Barb is either, but in that moment , I just felt Abby was wherever she was. My sandtray friend said something to me about meeting Abby again one day but she’ll be all grown up. I can’t really wrap my head around that concept/belief but later that night, I had this flash in my thinking of a little girl (2 or 3 years old) with curly pigtails, holding Barb’s hand (the healthy, full of life and laughter version of Barb) and being led away. It may sound completely crazy, and maybe it’s all made up in an attempt to make myself feel better, but somehow it gave me comfort. If she can’t be with me, I know that Barb will take good care of her.


9 responses to “On Spirituality

  • Heather

    Tears are flowing for you M. I think the spirit of our bodies is what goes ‘somewhere’ and makes us who we are, no matter how long we’re on this earth for. Strange things have happened around me and others who I know have lost someone dear to them, and I think somehow the spirit of that person is in play… perhaps the spirits of Abby and Barb are what came into your thoughts, so you know they’re ok, not in any sort of pain or anything, …or something. I hope you find some peace in this. xo

  • scarednot2followhim

    Being that I am a Christian I admire anyone that can go through this life without the constant source of strength and comfort I find in my Savior. I believe everyone should find their own way (because that becomes their testimony) but I do pray for you in this difficult time. I don’t pray that you find religion. I pray that you find comfort. I pray you find healing. Above all I pray you find courage to face life again and hope to inspire you as you continue on this journey to motherhood. *hugs* I’m so thankful you have found some peace. Much love.

  • Life

    I know what you mean…. I am not religious either. But I do believe that Dylan is out there, that my dad who died 14 years ago is with him and taking care of him.
    stay strong…. xx

  • Alissa

    i am exactly where you are on this. I prayed and prayed when I was pregnant and during my labor and still lost everything. How can someone be listening and still decide to take them? There are a lot of questions and quite a bit of anger for me. Then sometimes I choose to believe that there isn’t a god and that makes me feel a little better, because if no one is in control, then life is random and hard sometimes. That is easier to accept.

    It’s a hard situation and religion is tricky. I don’t know what I believe anymore.

  • marwil

    No it’s not crazy at all to think your baby girl is with your friend. I think it’s beautiful and whatever gives you comfort is good. There’s nothing wrong or right in this. Me too like to believe our babies are out there somewhere, present in one form or another. It’s not really important what we call it, religious or not, doesn’t matter. Know what’s in your heart, that’s what I try to follow.

  • jennmet

    so not crazy to think that! ❤

  • Cristy

    I think Abby is with your friend, too. The reason: you sensed it. And I believe that they are together, watching over you.

    I’m not religious: I don’t know whether there is a higher power or something that guides us through life. And I most certainly do not believe in the version of “God” that I was taught as a child. But I do not believe that all of this or for want; that once we die that the end. And, like you, I hold onto hope that there is a reason behind all of this. If for nothing else, the fact that I’ve met people like you. Strong, amazing women who teach me to live well.

  • Peg

    Lovely post. I just wrote a similar post about heaven and my sister who recently died. I’m not sure what I really believe anymore but I hope that there is a heaven because the thought of her just not being is awful. Again, great post and I’m very sorry about your loss.

  • Port of Indecision

    I’m not a believer either. And honestly, tragedies like this affirmed that lack of belief for me. I simply cannot believe that there is a higher power, some magical puller-of-strings in the sky, who does this stuff on purpose. And if I believed there were some such deity, I sure wouldn’t worship him.

    I don’t really know what to think about the “after.” My tendency is to think that the way in which we live on, or have an afterlife, or whatever you want to call it, is in the hearts and minds of the people close to us, in the stories that are passed from generation to generation, in the small things we did in our lives that in some way or another have affected those who are still here. And in that sense, your Abby is still very much with you.

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