Silly Rabbit… a tale of the infertility mindfuck

This cycle is my 49th cycle of trying to get pregnant.  The only time I succeeded was when the nice embrylogist forced that fucking sperm to penetrate my egg and they put those two surviving embryos back where they belonged.  We had to resort to pretty much the most invasive kind of fertility treatment, yet I still fucking think we can get pregnant on our own.

Ha!

A surprise, natural BFP?  Could it be me?  Why not?  I read about on other blogs.. why not?

Because, honey, nothing is ever that fucking easy for you!  (Join the pity party, it’s grand fun!)

Cycle #48 was the biggest mindfuck of all time.  It’s only the second time I’ve taken a pregnancy pee test (not including our IVF cycle) because I actually thought it was possible.  When I got to cycle day 38, and thought I had ovulated on cycle day 21 and my temp was still up-ish (I’ve been doing half-assed temp monitoring but not enough to pin point the ovulation day for sure, unfortunately — mostly just doing it so I know when my fucking period is coming so I don’t bleed all over my white capris!), I allowed myself to believe that it could happen to me.  I even imagined myself some symptoms… like real, “now that I’ve been pregnant I actually know what real symptoms feel like” symptoms.

But, and we all know where this is going, I was granted BFF(ucking)N #47 and a period on day 40.

Silly rabbit, natural pregancies are for fertiles!  Infertility was just bored and thought it would be fun to fuck with you.

Thanks.

And fuck you, infertility.

 

** this blog post is brought to you by the letter ‘F’.

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5 responses to “Silly Rabbit… a tale of the infertility mindfuck

  • Heather

    😦 I’m so sorry M and C. I think it’s natural regardless of how you got there and get there again that the ‘maybe this month’ will always be lurking – the ‘you just never know’ crap that happens to the fortunate ones. It’s not fair, and I hate that you’re both having to go through this living hell. I wish I could take it away.

    Please know you are in my daily thoughts and I am here for you. xo

  • Cristy

    I *heart* you. Let’s go beat infertility up together!

    I’m very sorry about the BFN mind-fuck. They never get any easier (even though I try to convince myself otherwise).

  • EmHart

    Oh hun. Hugs, big huge hugs. I am sorry IF is being such a bitch. I hate when it screws with your brain like that.

  • Courtney

    It’s amazing how no matter how infertile we are, we still have that lingering hope for a miracle BFP. I did that this month too… and I’m so disappointed that I’d even let myself go there.

  • Alicia

    None of this is easy. So sorry you’re having a down day. Hugs.

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