You can always go home again

I’m done.  I’m done jumping through hoops.  I’m done being treated as a fucking number.  It should not be this hard to do something I already did… successfully.

Several weeks ago, I jumped through another hoop — an anesthetic consult.  A consult where the anesthesiologist asked me “what’s IVF?”.  (Granted she knew what In Vitro Fertilization was but I guess didn’t know the letters… wtf?!).  She proceeded to ask me a bunch of health questions and then gave me her royal blessing — all the time questioning why the hell I was there.  Lady, I wish I knew.  So we went back to the clinic last Thursday, prepared to start a timeline, to get the train rolling.  Of course, like it always does, the train came to a screeching halt.  I’m still about 10lbs away from where they (initially) wanted me but I figured I could at least get myself on birth control and commit to crash dieting the last 10lbs.  Nope.  No go.  Oh.. and we actually want you to lose 10 more than that.

We’re done here.  I’m done with this craziness.

Keep in mind.. all of this to do EXACTLY what I’ve done before.  I begged, I pleaded, I sobbed.  I agreed to do the retrieval without drugs.  They wouldn’t budge.  I told them that my mental health is more important than this madness.

And then they walked us out the back door because I was a sobbing, nearly-hyperventilating mess.  The back fucking door.

I got into the car and proceeded to have a complete meltdown — like the kind with screaming and hitting things.  And then I promptly (like in my car in the parking lot of the clinic) called my favourite nurse at the old clinic and begged him to help me.  And he did.  And I remembered why I missed them — because they care, they genuinely care.  He listened to my concerns about our last IVF cycle and gave answers that made sense.  He supported the ridiculousness of the new clinic in a professional way.  And then he moved nothing short of heaven and earth to get us an appointment for August 1st to meet with Dr. M to discuss things.  He said we could come back to them if we wanted to.  And we do.  Because at the end of the day, they helped us bring Abby into this world.  And that’s all that really matters.

For the first time in months, I felt like I could breathe a little.  This weight loss stuff is making me crazy.. and it’s a pretty short trip.  I have been doing all the right things (okay, I could walk more) but the weight is stagnating.  I’ll lose a few pounds, then next week, they are back.  And more than that, I’m beating myself up.  My feelings of self-worth are all but completely used up.  If I ate a cookie, I’d chide myself for being completely unworthy of being a mother.  I know there are people out there judging me… 20lbs?  Come on!  But it feels like an insurmountable task to me right now.  I’m just tired of fighting for every damn thing.  It’s all I can do to put one foot in front of the other most days.  I need to move forward.  Do you know, my husband said to me the other day “I can’t wait until this part of our life is over”.  Isn’t that awful?  Wishing away good, healthy years because they are almost too painful to bear.  Infertility is sucking us dry.  It’s damaging our souls and our relationship.

I don’t know why I feel like I need to explain it to you… maybe because I need to quiet that inner voice that keeps telling me I’m not good enough because I can’t even lose 20lbs!  It’s wrong to feel this way.  It’s wrong to feel like dying after leaving the clinic.  And that’s what gave me the courage to walk out the door and stop the madness.  I needed to be treated like a human being.  I needed to be evaluated on my overall health, not a number on a fucking chart that isn’t even a decent measure of health.  The stupid doctor (overwhelmed by my outpouring of emotion, no doubt) wanted me to take the BMI chart home.  I said to him “I know I’m fat, I don’t need your fucking chart”.  Oh yeah… all class, gone out the window when I’m upset.

I know that they will treat me the way I need to be treated at our old clinic.  It feels good to be going home again.


14 responses to “You can always go home again

  • ScrappyJem

    I’m glad to hear you are going where you will be treated like family. Praying for you every day. Keep us posted on your progress. It WILL happen. I believe in miracles and there is a baby who will be blessed to call you guys mom and dad.

  • Shara

    Sounds like you have a good team on your side at the old clinic M. The other guys just sound like inflexible crazies to me. Hope the Aug 1 appt goes well.

  • Heather

    Wow, I cannot believe that clinic was so cruel and unreasonable!! Back door??!! It’s disgusting! I’d be writing a letter to someone on top there…
    I’m happy to hear you’re going back to the clinic that helped you bring Abby into this world. I know they will pay better attention to you and Abby will have a sibling.

  • Cristy

    It makes me beyond crazy that there are fertility centers that treat their patients like they are numbers and burdens. Seriously, how in the hell is being icy to a patient helpful?

    I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. That’s beyond awful. Especially when they can see what they are suggesting/demanding isn’t working. Shame on them.

    I am glad that you decided to go back to your original clinic. There is plenty to be said for working with people who care.

    On that note, stop punishing yourself for the weight. You struggling with it does not mean that you are doing anything wrong. Weight loss, especially during times of chronic stress is very hard. Screw anyone who tells you otherwise

    Congratulations on going home. I hope for some very good news soon.

  • marwil

    What insensitive people! I’m so glad you made that call to your first clinic. I hope you can get a new plan for treatment and much better support.

  • kendall

    It’s called sizeism–a discrimination so obscure even my spell check doesn’t think it’s valid. You’re being treated differently because of your size and that’s just wrong, plain and simple. I’m glad you’ve moved on to a place where you’re accepted as you are–now you just have to get back there in your own mind 🙂

  • cmlipskey

    Glad to hear you are ‘going home’. Dr. M always seemed nice to me (I went to the same clinic but had his wife asy doc). Hopefully it will go smoother with them knowing your history better, and you being more comfortable there with them.
    On a weight loss note, I find I have the same problem. I didn’t matter how little I ate, the weight would come off at a snails pace. Since the fertility clinic wouldnt help us until we got a diagnosis for endometriosis ( which was supposed to take about a month to get s surgery date and took 8) I started seeing a naturopath and a homeopath because I felt helpless sitting by while month after month I knew I wouldn’t get pregnant without help or a solution. Basically what I’m rambling is, it turns out I have a dairy and wheat intolerance and because my body was so busy attacking that, it couldnt even think about getting pregnant. I lost like 20lbs in two months, and in the second month got pregnant. I was shocked. Really what I’m saying is maybe it isn’t how much your eating, or even cookies ( I couldn’t give up cookies. They make wheat and dairy free cookies) but that your body is disagreeing with something major like that. I can’t even fathom how difficult what you are going through is, we struggled for a year and a half, and it was hell. Our marriage suffered hugely and my husband said basically the same thing that he doesn’t know if he could do it again. I don’t know you, but reading your blog really helped me get through things, and always gave me hope to go on. I’m really rambling now, so I’m going to stop, but I wanted to share with you on the slight chance it could help.

  • Jenny

    Pardon me if I swear, but it has to be done…

    This type of bullshit makes me furious. I know that a lot of fertility clinics are married to the almighty BMI chart and it’s ridiculous. I’ve had doctors and nutritionists alike tell me that it’s not a good indicator of what one’s weight should be because it doesn’t take individual variations into consideration. It doesn’t consider things like frame size, muscle mass, etc. For example, I’m short, but I’m also big-boned and have some pretty sizable leg muscles from running. The BMI chart tells me that 115 pounds is a normal weight for my height. But if I was 115 pounds, I would be nothing but a skeleton. Fuck the BMI! And fuck that horrible clinic!
    Please, please, please don’t beat yourself up or think you’re unworthy for 20 lbs. It’s just not true. As Cristy said, losing weight while under this kind of stress is so, so hard.

    I’m really glad that you called your old clinic and that they’re taking you back. It sounds like the place you need to be.

  • Lisa

    So sorry to hear that you had to go through that at the new clinic, no one should be treated that way!! My heart goes out to you… Wishing you the best as you return to your old clinic – sending positive thoughts your way as you move forward and hope everything goes well.

  • SB

    My heart poors out for both of you. I am, as always, floored by your courage, determination, and insightfulness. You amaze me and you deserve far more respect than you have been given. I am disgusted with a system that often does not look at the whole person but relies on a number that does not in anyway reflect your whole situation. Stay strong and persevere! You are worthy!!!

  • psychsarah

    I want to launch into a rant about BMI and health, but the bottom line is that I can’t believe that BMI can be used as an excuse not to treat someone like a human being. I’ve read some horrifying blogs about mistreatment in healthcare based on size, and sadly, this story would fit right in. It’s appalling. I’m so sorry that after all you’ve been through, you had to go through this too. I’m seething and tearful right now because they treated someone I love so poorly.

    I’m so glad your old nurse was so committed to helping you. I just can’t stop shaking my head and wishing for SO much better for you and C and everyone struggling with fertility. Hugs to you my friend.

  • Daryl

    I’m so glad you’re going back to a place where you’ll be treated with respect and compassion. That is huge in any kind of health care, and I think especially important when trying to bring a new life into the world. Best of luck!

  • Alissa

    Oh my god, I am so sorry you went through that. Weight is not the only issue. If it were, no overweight woman would get pregnant… and we know that they do. The anesthesiologists just don’t want to put themselves out there.
    I wrote a whole post recently about infertility and weight and my feelings on it. BMI is crap and I hate that so many doctors use it.
    Go where they treat you like a person hon, you don’t deserve to feel worthless. Losing 20lbs for me is VERY hard. Don’t feel like you are the only one who sometimes feels like it is impossible. It takes me FOR.EVER.
    Good luck and please be easier on yourself. You deserve a break.

  • Courtney

    Stop beating yourself up – 20 pounds is a lot to lose! You’re not a failure because you can’t do that quickly – that’s hard to do!

    I’m glad you’re back at the clinic that makes you feel human!

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