Twins: the cure-all for having had a dead baby

Within a 24-hour period, I had two women suggest that my next pregnancy should bring me twins like that would somehow make up for having lost my daughter.

Right.  Should wipe my broken heart and my memory perfectly clear.

I won’t even bother to rant about what is so vastly inappropriate about saying this to me.

Instead, I’ll go here: I don’t want to have twins.  When people hear you are undergoing fertility treatments, they inevitably make remarks about multiples like this would be the biggest joy in the world.  A ‘two for the price of one’ deal.  Do you know what I think when I think about having twins?  Oh no… two dead babies instead of one.  I can’t trust my body to give me one healthy baby, let alone a package deal!  My infertile worldview is forever tainted.  These blissfully fertile women surrounded by their living, breathing children haven’t read what I’ve read.  They don’t know what I know.  My worldview is made up of the knowledge of countless twin/multiple pregnancies gone horribly, heartbreakingly bad.  Oh sure, there are lots of people who have healthy, beautiful twins — but let’s face it, the universe has not been kind to me, why would it start now?

I wish nothing more than to live in their blissfully ignorant world. (Well maybe not, my experiences have, at the very least, made me a more empathic and aware person.  I wouldn’t ask a perfect stranger if she wanted kids and then tell her she should have twins in response to her telling me she had a daughter lost during pregnancy.)  There have been a couple of FB announcements lately that have made me wish to live in that world and cringe all at the same time.  “We were going to get another dog but decided on a baby instead.  Expecting our safe arrival in…” (honestly, I don’t know.. I was already clicking to block her).  Or.. “We’re going to be parents in January!”

I want to believe whole-heartedly like they do, that a pregnancy results in a baby in my arms.  Instead I read their posts and think… “you hope”.



13 responses to “Twins: the cure-all for having had a dead baby

  • Heather

    Oh man M. I’m sorry to read this…. I’m not sure what else to say other than I’m constantly thinking of you.

  • lrm1102

    I am speechless – I can not imagine someone saying that! I am so sorry you heard that twice today! I too was talking to a friend today wishing I could just be naive during a pregnancy. I too feel IF & pregnancy loss have made me more aware & I will never ask a stranger about children unless they bring it up. (((Hugs)))

  • amy

    I am so sorry.I have had people make similar comments to me and was well.. kinda disgusted. Loss fundamentally changes us. I was skimming a pregnancy board on an App on my phone the other day and a woman posted that she was grieving the little girl she would never know. I wrote her a long message expressing my sorrow at her loss only for her to respond that she hadn’t actually lost a child, she’d found out she was having a boy… I would give anything for all of us to have no idea what this world is like, but as you said, I don’t ever want to be the type of person who says heartless things like that.

  • Shara

    Just when you think you’ve heard all the insensitive comments people can come up with they surprise you. Sorry you had to be the one to receive those M.

  • Elizabeth :: Bébé Suisse

    How insensitive … I am so sorry you had to hear that – twice, no less. Anybody should know that nothing can make up for a loss like the one you suffered.

  • psychsarah

    Sigh. Some people are just insensitive… and clueless… I’m sorry that these people continually find their way into your life 😦

    I am so touched by the last phrase- “you hope”. Your experience has certainly taught me (again-talk about lessons you have learn repeatedly) to not take anything for granted.

  • Cristy


    In an ideal world, every idiot who brought up the “twins” argument would be required to sit through a long lecture about why this doesn’t magically solve the heartbreak and why it’s also a scary thing. But, alas, most are blissfully ignorant.
    Hang in there. And know I’m swearing at all the idiots with you

  • amourningmom

    I wish I lived in that world of blissful ignorance as well – unfortunately once you have a child/children predecease you all that innocence is lost forever. Thinking of you.

  • Katie

    I cannot tell you how many times people ” joke” about at with me. Unreal.

  • Alissa

    Ughhh..I hear you. I have had people ask me why we only wanted to transfer one embryo our second time around. You have to ask that? I don’t want to up my chances to lose more babies. I won’t place myself in that predicament after already losing twins.
    I also love that people exclaim that you are in ‘the safe zone’ once you are out of the first trimester. Ummm…do you remember that I lost my children halfway through my pregnancy? There IS NO safe zone people.

  • Amy

    Ha. I’m the sullen bitch over on the BBC ART boards who puts women who “hope to have twins!!!!!” in their places, because a) REs really don’t like to talk about it, but the risks of first and second trimester miscarriage, stillbirth, prematurity with major medical complications, amd even loss due to SIDS are so much higher with twins of every flavor and b) I am living, breathing, tortured, missing-my-daughter-and-son-every-damned-day-for-the-last-13.5-months proof.

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