Within a 24-hour period, I had two women suggest that my next pregnancy should bring me twins like that would somehow make up for having lost my daughter.
Right. Should wipe my broken heart and my memory perfectly clear.
I won’t even bother to rant about what is so vastly inappropriate about saying this to me.
Instead, I’ll go here: I don’t want to have twins. When people hear you are undergoing fertility treatments, they inevitably make remarks about multiples like this would be the biggest joy in the world. A ‘two for the price of one’ deal. Do you know what I think when I think about having twins? Oh no… two dead babies instead of one. I can’t trust my body to give me one healthy baby, let alone a package deal! My infertile worldview is forever tainted. These blissfully fertile women surrounded by their living, breathing children haven’t read what I’ve read. They don’t know what I know. My worldview is made up of the knowledge of countless twin/multiple pregnancies gone horribly, heartbreakingly bad. Oh sure, there are lots of people who have healthy, beautiful twins — but let’s face it, the universe has not been kind to me, why would it start now?
I wish nothing more than to live in their blissfully ignorant world. (Well maybe not, my experiences have, at the very least, made me a more empathic and aware person. I wouldn’t ask a perfect stranger if she wanted kids and then tell her she should have twins in response to her telling me she had a daughter lost during pregnancy.) There have been a couple of FB announcements lately that have made me wish to live in that world and cringe all at the same time. “We were going to get another dog but decided on a baby instead. Expecting our safe arrival in…” (honestly, I don’t know.. I was already clicking to block her). Or.. “We’re going to be parents in January!”
I want to believe whole-heartedly like they do, that a pregnancy results in a baby in my arms. Instead I read their posts and think… “you hope”.