Good news but I’m still a bitter infertile

The conversation (after the conversation about our concerns and what went wrong last time) went a little something like this:

Dr. M:  So you’d like to do another IVF cycle?

Me: Yes, please.

Dr. M: Okay, when would you like to do it?

Me: Yesterday

Dr. M: Well, how about you call us on your next day 1?

 

And it was that fucking simple.  I cried tears of gratitude instead of self-loathing walking out of the clinic this time.  And instead of being ushered out the back door, I got a hug from my favourite nurse.  But then I asked myself why we had been so stupid to have gone to the other clinic.  Maybe we needed to stray to know how lucky we were to have the kind of service we got at our old clinic?  I can’t change the last 4 months, but I sure as hell wish I could.  Why does everything on this “journey” feel like it takes ten million times longer than it needs to?

Which leads me to the bitter infertile part… I’m no longer at all happy when people announce their pregnancies or give birth to their easily conceived children.  I’m just jealous and pissed off.  Not “happy for you, sad for me”… just jealous and pissed off.  I would like to be the person, that when people reflect on my “infertility journey” (did you see my retweet the other day?   ‘why do we call it an infertility journey?  Were infertility hell and nightmare already copyrighted?’) they would say “she handled it with such grace”.

I’ve never been graceful in my life and it ain’t starting here!  I heard that an acquaintance had her baby the other day and all I felt was anger.  Why did they get a living baby?  The last conversation I had with her husband went a little something like this “yeah, kids suck.  Why would anyone waste their time having babies.”  Okay, I’m paraphrasing, but you get the gist.  And then 2 months later they are joyfully pregnant on their first attempt.  You know what?  Fuck you universe.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish infertility or pregnancy loss or baby loss on anyone.  I’m just pissed off that all I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom and I can’t seem to do it.

Lovely, eh?  I’m not proud of myself, trust me.  Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore — especially when I have thoughts like that.  How uncharitable and cold….   I don’t want to be that person, but with every step along the way it seems to get harder and harder to retain the former me.

I’m grateful that we get to do another IVF cycle, but at the end of the day, that’s all it is.  All I know for sure is that I get to spend another $7000 (that we had to borrow from a very generous friend) and inject a bunch of drugs into my body again.  I don’t know if we’ll get better eggs, I don’t know if we’ll get decent embryos, I don’t know if they’ll implant, I don’t know if I’ll produce a living baby.  Every failure is a step closer to the end and it’s getting harder and harder to believe that we’ll succeed — that something will go right for a change.

I have to find away to be positive and let all the negative energy go.  But it just seems so much easier to prepare myself for the worst so I won’t be disappointed.

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8 responses to “Good news but I’m still a bitter infertile

  • Cristy

    I think this post is a step in the right direction. You’ve been through hell in the most literal sense. Between losing Abby, being jerked around by the other clinic and dealing with insensitive coworkers, it’s a wonder you aren’t biting everyone’s head off. I’m very happy for the news about the upcoming IVF cycle, but I also know better than to sugar coat this and pretend that this will be the answer. Because I don’t know, even though I’m hoping for you. Instead, I will offer you continual support and love. Because you deserve nothing less.

    And regarding the couple with the lackadaisical : just remember, we reap what we sow.

  • Heather

    I totally agree with Cristy… and I don’t understand why life is so unfair to those who deserve nothing more then the happiness they truly deserve. All I wish for you and C is to be happy.
    xo

  • Daryl

    After all you’ve been through, I wish you nothing but the best for this upcoming IVF.

  • kendall

    You know you’ll be disappointed anyway–it’s a myth that “preparing yourself for the worst” will prevent disappointment. Being positive will make you feel better and if there’s even a slim chance that those hippy-dippy, “positive vibes” will help the baby…I’m just saying I know you’d never forgive yourself if you didn’t do all you could to make this work. You are inherently positive–don’t let this thing take any more away from you than it already has. You know I love you and I’d never judge you. All I’ve ever wanted for you, for anyone, is happiness 🙂

  • marwil

    Well this is good news indeed. Another chance, the fact that you are willing to try again says that you do believe that it can work. it’s a scary ride especially after such loss, and I wish you the best of luck!

  • Anna

    Oh I have felt that way oh so many times! It’s totally normal. I completely understand how you are feeling and the injustice of it all just kills me sometimes. I hope this cycle brings nothing but good things…

  • Alissa

    Oh hon, I have been there and sometimes, even pregnant, I still am. I get angry when I hear about someone just getting preggo. How is it that easy?! All these things are to be expected after going through this crap. There is no manual on how to manage these feelings and I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be the perfect, happy, infertile. I am happy you are finding a way to move forward and I know you are nervous, but you have to have a little hope that something good can happen. Or you wouldn’t bother trying again. Good luck.

  • ivfmale

    I can completely relate. I work with this woman who is just one of the nicest people you would ever meet. On the quiet side, but always friendly to everyone. Is good at her job and never causes any drama. Several times a day she walks by my office to get to the printer, strutting her 7th month belly in front of her. Reminding me I can’t have kids, that little harlot is doing it on purpose I tell you! This leaves me hosing off another flame of bitter jealous rage.

    Seeing kids in strollers on the street produces a similar reaction. Best of luck to you and your husband.

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