Why not me?

I feel like I need to get all the hopeless, negative, self-loathing, self-pitying posts out of me in preparation for our rainbow IVF cycle.

A over at A Thousand Oceans wrote a beautiful post about feeling like we deserve something to work out for us after infertility and loss…  and how reality couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Like her, I felt like after all we went through to get pregnant, we deserved to bring home a living baby.  I never once took being pregnant for granted.  I tried to enjoy every moment, always being mindful that it could all be taken away from us in a snap. But never did I really believe that it would be.  Because if we went through so much to make a baby, surely we’d get to bring her home.

I’ve been stuck lately in the land of ‘why not me?’. When we started trying to conceive nearly 4 years ago, only a couple of friends had children.  In four years, we are the only ones left without children.  We have been surpassed by everyone, including the people who didn’t want kids.  And some of those people will be announcing number 2 soon, I’m sure.  And all I can say is, why not me?

What is so intrinsically wrong with me that I can’t make a baby without invasive medical assistance?  When we lost Abby, I wondered if this was the universe’s way of saying, “listen, I said NO!!”. I’ve been trying to figure out why ever since.  But all I come up with is nothing.

Logically, I know that I’m “personalizing” and that it’s just life happening.  But I still can’t help but ask, ‘Why not me?”.  Everywhere I look, people make it look easy.  I just want to be normal.  I had a wee meltdown on Friday (exacerbated by the Pill, I’m sure) about how much I hate my life right now.  How miserable I am on the inside, despite looking like I’m doing fine on the outside.  There’s more to it than I care to elaborate on right now, but I just want what everyone else has.  I want to go into this IVF cycle believing that I’ll get pregnant, and that that pregnancy will bring me a healthy, living child.

I was meeting with a pregnant client the other day, and while I don’t want to trade lives with this poor addicted and tortured soul, I couldn’t help but wonder why she got pregnant with her daughter while smoking crack every day, while mine died.  I listened to her talk about banging heroin even after finding out she was pregnant and (at least) feeling so bad about it.  And how she drank for a few weeks after getting out of jail, because she felt like she needed something to do with her hands.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, TAKE UP KNITTING FOR CHRISTSAKES!!!

This poor girl appears to love her baby, and has stopped using and is wanting help to stay clean after the baby is born.  Maybe this child will save her life, but the odds aren’t really in her favour. More likely, that baby will end up in foster care… and maybe will find her way into the loving arms of some infertile adoptive couple.  (I’ve long maintained that drug addicts have babies so infertiles can adopt them)

How do I make sense of a world that allows a baby to be born into a world of addiction, crime, poverty, and goddess knows what else, but doesn’t let a loving, hard-working infertile couple bring their IVF conceived daughter home?

This is just getting rambly, but I needed to get it out of my head.  I hate that I feel this way and have such judgmental thoughts.  But it just is what it is.

 

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12 responses to “Why not me?

  • infertilitydoessuck

    Its beyond heart breaking to not be able to have a child when it seems like everyone around you is

  • Cristy

    I’m struggling with this too. On so many levels. My new game has been allowing me to entertain the idea of living childfree, with me thinking that maybe having children isn’t something I really want (composing a post along the way in my head as I’m thinking about this).

    I think the biggest thing I’m learning is how f*&ed up and unfair all of this is. Logically speaking, there is no reason that Abby is an angel baby while this recovering addict’s pregnancy is thriving. Zero. It’s for this reason that I call BS whenever someone tells me there’s a reason for all of this madness.

    I will say this, though: in my eyes YOU are a mother. Being pregnant and giving birth does not make someone a mother. “Mother” is a title reserved for those who make selfless choses for their children. Mothers make sacrifices and provide a stable (or as stable as possible) for their children. Mothers know how to look beyond themselves to make sure their children thrive. Though this addict is making some changes, she’s still a long way from motherhood. You are not, though. Like A, you are already there.

    Thinking of you and hoping you’re off those evil BCPs very soon

  • pcosbarrenness

    I have been feeling this same way more and more lately also. I hate having thoughts like that as well, but I think you’re right…it is just a symptom of all we have been through. In fact, I’m not sure you could experience both infertility and loss and not feel this way occasionally while staying sane. It means you are a compassionate person. I think these feelings also help us keep going after being knocked down so many times. We know we deserve a healthy take home baby, and we won’t stop until it happens.

    Know that you are definitely not alone, and I wish you the best!

  • Daryl

    It’s so easy to get sucked into that “why not me?” mentality, especially when you’re surrounded by bad examples of pregnancy/parenthood. I agree with Cristy that you’re already a mother in your heart, but I hope you’ll hold your baby in your arms soon.

  • psychsarah

    I’m thinking positive thoughts for you as you go through this IVF cycle. Everyday I hope that you get what you so very much deserve.

  • Alissa

    You aren’t alone. I think that way all the time when I hear about a woman conceiving while high, binge drinking or on welfare. It really cosmically doesn’t make sense. It’s really hard to understand the way this world works and why some people believe things happen for a reason. I just think life is random and shit happens. If life was fair, the murderers would be the ones getting cancer and the drug addicts would be infertile.
    I will send all the positive vibes I have that this next attempt works out perfectly for you hon.

  • Nell

    I could have written every word though mine would reflect the teenagers I teach who get pregnant -sometimes even twice- in high school. It would be nice if life could be fair to us at least once. Sending you positive thoughts.

  • jennmet

    M, I don’t even know what to say, other then thinking of you and sending you love. xo It sucks, it really does. 😦 xoxo

  • Shara

    You’re right M, it is definitely not fair. You and C are definitely deserving, and why this is so tough for you guys when it isn’t for others makes no sense whatsoever. Hoping things turn around for you guys soon.

  • Katie

    This was a great post. Inoftenthink the exact same things. I keep saying, the bad news has to stop for us soon…but it just keeps on rolling in. I hope the best for your future cycle.

  • Amy

    After nearly five years of infertility and, so far, only dead twins to show for it, I’m, more often than not, right there with you, sister. Even some of my still infertile friends who are parenting their first ART-conceived, living children are now pregnant with their seconds (one naturally-conceived even!), and yet I’m still just trying to conceive a living, breathing take-home baby. Sometimes I don’t feel like I fit into this community anymore…

  • Mali

    Why? Why not me? I’ve asked those questions so often. And yet, now when I see addicts pregnant and thriving, or good people losing their babies, or irresponsible people continuing to get pregnant and having their babies taken away from them because they can’t possibly parent them … well, when I see all that, I know I’m not being judged. I know there’s no reason for “why not me” because there isn’t a reason in the world that would explain that. There’s nothing that makes sense of a world where this happens EXCEPT that it is random. That’s the only that can explain it. And actually, you know, that helps.

    I wrote this last year – it might help you know you’re not alone.
    http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2011/02/why.html

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