I feel like I need to get all the hopeless, negative, self-loathing, self-pitying posts out of me in preparation for our rainbow IVF cycle.
A over at A Thousand Oceans wrote a beautiful post about feeling like we deserve something to work out for us after infertility and loss… and how reality couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Like her, I felt like after all we went through to get pregnant, we deserved to bring home a living baby. I never once took being pregnant for granted. I tried to enjoy every moment, always being mindful that it could all be taken away from us in a snap. But never did I really believe that it would be. Because if we went through so much to make a baby, surely we’d get to bring her home.
I’ve been stuck lately in the land of ‘why not me?’. When we started trying to conceive nearly 4 years ago, only a couple of friends had children. In four years, we are the only ones left without children. We have been surpassed by everyone, including the people who didn’t want kids. And some of those people will be announcing number 2 soon, I’m sure. And all I can say is, why not me?
What is so intrinsically wrong with me that I can’t make a baby without invasive medical assistance? When we lost Abby, I wondered if this was the universe’s way of saying, “listen, I said NO!!”. I’ve been trying to figure out why ever since. But all I come up with is nothing.
Logically, I know that I’m “personalizing” and that it’s just life happening. But I still can’t help but ask, ‘Why not me?”. Everywhere I look, people make it look easy. I just want to be normal. I had a wee meltdown on Friday (exacerbated by the Pill, I’m sure) about how much I hate my life right now. How miserable I am on the inside, despite looking like I’m doing fine on the outside. There’s more to it than I care to elaborate on right now, but I just want what everyone else has. I want to go into this IVF cycle believing that I’ll get pregnant, and that that pregnancy will bring me a healthy, living child.
I was meeting with a pregnant client the other day, and while I don’t want to trade lives with this poor addicted and tortured soul, I couldn’t help but wonder why she got pregnant with her daughter while smoking crack every day, while mine died. I listened to her talk about banging heroin even after finding out she was pregnant and (at least) feeling so bad about it. And how she drank for a few weeks after getting out of jail, because she felt like she needed something to do with her hands.
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, TAKE UP KNITTING FOR CHRISTSAKES!!!
This poor girl appears to love her baby, and has stopped using and is wanting help to stay clean after the baby is born. Maybe this child will save her life, but the odds aren’t really in her favour. More likely, that baby will end up in foster care… and maybe will find her way into the loving arms of some infertile adoptive couple. (I’ve long maintained that drug addicts have babies so infertiles can adopt them)
How do I make sense of a world that allows a baby to be born into a world of addiction, crime, poverty, and goddess knows what else, but doesn’t let a loving, hard-working infertile couple bring their IVF conceived daughter home?
This is just getting rambly, but I needed to get it out of my head. I hate that I feel this way and have such judgmental thoughts. But it just is what it is.