It came and went. January 26. The day that will forever be associated with the day the bottom fell out of my life. The day that I changed forever. The day that everything changed.
Her birthday? Her deathday? What do you call it? I simply decided that it’s Abby Day. And what were we supposed to do? C said to me on Thursday, we should “do” something.. go out for dinner or something. And I said.. that feels like we’re celebrating.. and I’m pretty sure we’re not. There was no cemetary to visit — she sits in a heart-shaped urn on our dresser. There’s no river or park or woods or anything where ashes are spread — because I can’t bring myself to do anything with them — because then I wouldn’t have the only thing I have left of her. And it’s January so it’s fucking cold outside!! I don’t need to freeze my ass off wandering through some outdoor frozen-ness reflecting. And her garden is still only a tree… and it’s January.
So, I cried for her. I cried for how much I miss her and I cried for a life that never was. And as always, I cried for us and the sadness that infertility causes — the fear. Because it’s all tangled up together — the grief and the infertility — I feel bad that I can’t separate it but it’s all in one big, sad, ball of mess. I wondered, briefly, if it would feel different if there was a sibling to help fill the void in my heart.. instead of just the scar tissue of failure that fills it currently. For an even briefer second, I allowed my brain to wonder what it would be like if there’s never another child to love. But I can’t stay there for very long… I just can’t.
And when I was done crying, we went on about our day. Without saying what it was, we just decided to do something to distract us from the sadness of the day. What says “I’m grieving my baby” better than a little movie about torture and capturing a terrorist in the Middle East?! We had some lunch, watched the movie, shopped, had some Star.bucks and came home. And then I scrapbooked. And then somehow the day was over and the sun rose on the 27th. And just like that, Abby Day was over.