December 31, 2011

No, I’m not confused about the date, nor is that a typo.  That was the last time I was happy.  Content.

We spend NYE with a couple of friends and their older age kids playing board games.  It was so simple and so much fun.  Their boys are so hilarious and easy to be around.  I distinctly remember sitting back on their comfy couch, hands on my belly and thinking: everything is right with the world.  Everything is okay and I am content.  I am truly content and whole.  I was 13 blissful weeks pregnant and naively believing we were in the clear.  Only 1% of women miscarry after 12 weeks.

Little did I know that in a few short hours, my world would begin to turn upside down.  January 1st, 2012 — the beginning of the end.

This year has been the worst year of my life.  Not just losing Abby, but it just seemed like the whole year went to shit.  Losing Abby, the bullshit treatment I got from work, the bullshit treatment I got from the new clinic, the unbelievable behaviour from C’s family, the failed IVF, dad needing surgery for colon cancer after surviving lung cancer… it seemed like nothing good happened this year.  It was like we were constantly waiting for the next ball of shit to be hurled at us.

I feel like I’ve been in a haze for the last year.  Going through the motions.  Truly.  It’s been exhausting.  Existing through this sadness is a lot of effort — and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t played out a scenario from time to time where I didn’t have to exist anymore.

But here I am.

I’ve been absent for nearly 3 months because, quite frankly, I’m not sure what has become of this space.  And it would appear that I’m not alone.  It seems like so many have moved on, got their happy ending.  But more than that, I feel like people check in to see what kind of shit show has happened now.  I feel like people read along and think “wow, that sucks.  so glad it’s not my life”.  But it is my life.  And I’m tired of being the infertile freakshow that makes others thankful for their good fortune.

I went out for lunch recently with a friend who told about some sad things that were happening in her life and I felt relieved because at least someone else’s life wasn’t perfect.  Schadenfreude.  Not really, because I wouldn’t say I felt pleasure.  But just relief.  We live in a world of social media where people post the good and the happy to their Face.book pages.  They post all things that make them appear like their life is perfect.  And quite frankly, it makes me a little wrist-slitty.

Anyways, I’m rambling and I’ll blame that on the wine.  If I can’ t be pregnant, I might as well be drunk… or at least a little head swimmy.

I used to be someone who wrote two blogs.  One about infertility and one about stuff.  Crafty stuff, funny stuff, just stuff.  Last year, I posted on my other blog about my “word” for the year.  Stupid, optimistic, naive self.  Her word for 2012 was grateful.  Grateful.  I was so grateful for finally being pregnant.  For finally being a mom.

Instead, I reflect on the year and what I am grateful for is not at all what I started out being grateful for.  My wonderful, awesome, profoundly flawed husband who is the soul mate to my bossy, bitchy, crazy and profoundly flawed self.  My amazing friends who have been my lifeline — through laughter and tears and sushi and scrapping and weekends away and Saturdays of play and helping me to feel grounded and to know that sometimes life just deals you a really fucking shitty hand and that’s it’s okay and somehow, someway, you’ll keep going because really, what other fucking choice do you have?!

This year, my word is strength.  

Strength to keep going.  Strength to bring my babies home. Strength to be the woman that lies dormant within me.

Strength.

Fuck you, 2012.  Fuck you.

 

 

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17 responses to “December 31, 2011

  • Peg

    Your last line describes my sentiment too. 2012 was a horrible year for me as well… You are not alone!

  • Cristy

    This post. Oh, this post. So much comes through in these few paragraphs, so much that speaks a lifetime’s worth of wisdom. Wisdom I really wish you didn’t have in exchange for so much pain and loss.

    I’ll say to you what I’ve said to Mo: it’s time to stop apologizing and looking back and instead move forward. I for one do NOT see you as a freakshow. I see so much strength, beauty and power in you. Lossing Abbey was horrendously awful and I wish that you were holding her instead of remembering her. But you are not a freak.

    So, do what you need to do. I for one will support you no matter what.

    Wishing that 2013 is the year where strength is rewarded with joy and peace. I have hope, my friend. And I believe in a happy ending for both of us soon.

  • Alicia

    Oh M, I never read what is happening and am glad it’s not my life. I’m sad it’s your reality, and that is all. Yes, people move on b/c they get happy endings, but there are so many people out there who need to read your story, who need to draw from your strength. Infertility is downright fucking depressing. Hang in there. Reach out. Be strong for you, for your husband, but most importantly you need to build strength for the little baby you will bring home soon. Yes, soon.

  • Heather

    I’ll be here to help support you, and your family M. May knowing we care so incredibly much about you help bring and keep that Strength out. You deserve nothing less.
    xo

  • Shara

    You and C are some pretty tough people, and this past year has shown you can live though some serious shit and still keep going. I hope you get all you need in 2013.

  • 17hobbitt

    Lets hope 2013 is a better year for everyone. 2012 sucked for a lot of people. I agree completely with your sentiment about FB which is why I have left the stupid thing alone. I am tired of reading about everyone else’s happy perfect lives. You are not alone. x

  • Mo

    “Strength to be the woman that lies dormant within me”
    Hell yeah!
    I know what it feels like to want to give up. Here’s what finally snapped me out of it: I set a bottom line. I realizes that the struggle will eventually be over. That the shitstorm will eventually pass.That freed me to start healing.
    And starting is a start, right? 🙂
    Here’s to a healthier, brighter 2013.
    Fuck 2012 indeed.

  • Daryl

    I’m sorry the last year has been so rough. You’ve already demonstrated the strength to keep going, and I hope it serves you well through 2013.

  • babydreamin'

    That was my first email of 2013 as well, a blog I followed who also “retired”, it does make it feel like we are the lone soldiers in this infertility battle but you aren’t alone. Hoping 2013, things turn around for you, fuck you 2012 is right!!

  • Kate @ Infertile First Mom

    Of all the people I follow that are still suffering through “the trenches” of IF, waiting for their miracle, there is a large handful for whom I pray every night. I know that is not worth much to some people, since some consider prayer a “crutch” of the faithful sect, but it’s all I can do. And I do it for you. Sometimes I name you and others specifically in my prayers, and sometimes I just ask God to give strength and healing to the IF ladies who need it most. But never, not once, have I felt any pity or worse, relief at the fact that it’s not me living that hell. I want so much for you and Mo and Trisha and so many others to make it through this to your take home baby. I don’t know if prayers (mine or anyone else’s) will make any difference in your ultimate journey, but I think of it as a way to hang on to hope, a way to be proactively supportive of women who are in a hellish place that I am familiar with, to some extent. I so wish I could do more.

    So, anyway… for what it’s worth, I’m praying for your strength and a much, much better year to come. There is most certainly strength within you- dormant or not- and I can’t wait to see you tap into it and kick 2013’s ass!

  • mypreconceivedlife

    You are not alone. You are SO not alone. Hope 2013 is better for all of us!

  • writingforachange

    Strength. The only word I think of when I think of you. Hoping and praying for your dreams to come true

  • psychsarah

    You’ve always been strong and always will be strong, even if you don’t feel it every moment. Hugs and peace and healing to you and C. And here’s to no more shit being hurled at you.

  • Aramis

    I’ve never commented on your blog before, but I wanted to let you know that even when I was lurking it wasn’t to “watch the freakshow”, as you put it. I was just getting started on my own IF journey and it really helped me to see other people pushing through it, no matter what they had been through. Your last post three months ago brought me to tears when I read it, although I was still in hiding and didn’t say so. I’m saying it now.

    I’m glad to see you back here and I really hope 2013 brings better tidings than 2012. As for strength, you have it in spades and it’s inspired me more than you know.

  • Alissa

    2012 was a tough year. It held all kinds of ups and downs for me but I’ve somehow come through it. And so have you. I wish the best for you this new year and hope you can find not just strength but contentment. Thinking of you.

  • Jane Allen

    Sorry 2012 was such a tough year and I’m hoping that 2013 will bring you luck. I decided I had to follow you when I saw how many times you use the F word!

  • Sarah

    Yes, 2012 was rough as well as 2011. I absolutely understand the upset and anger that comes when others look at our lives and are thankful they do not face what we face. I actually had some one share a similar sentiment to me. I was shocked and hurt terribly!

    Continue to grieve and grieve well for your sweet Abby. She is beautiful and you are a great mommy.

    It comforts me to know that the children that took “early flight” might be playing with my boys, Ethan and Samuel.

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