Again. (Previously Private)

At 6w6d, I had another bleed.  It was like the universe wanted to make sure I didn’t relax… not even for a second.  As if this pregnancy wasn’t going to be ridden with anxiety anyways, hey why not throw in some bleeding right from the get-go?  It was a very small gush and then some spotting for the next day or so.  We went to the clinic the next morning and I was terrified to see a dead baby.  But we saw a sweet little heartbeat.  The best friggin sound in the world.  I bawled my face off.  And we saw another subchorionic hematoma.  They promptly took me off work, put me on bedrest and put me back to progesterone 3x/day.  My vagina is in a constant state of slimy mess.

We went back to the clinic yesterday for our regular scheduled ultrasound and got to see baby again. Still growing like s/he should be at 8w3d, with a strong heartbeat of 188.  But there is still the stupid SCH.  I have had no other bleeding aside from the initial gush, and then some expelling of brown sludge this past weekend.  They are keeping me off work for another month.  Going back for a check-up ultrasound on April 30 and hopefully the NT scan on May 13.

I feel like I can’t get too far ahead of myself.. because that gorgeous little peanut could be gone in the blink of my eye.  I catch myself pleading with an unknown entity and wishing on clocks but then I remember that at the end of the day, none of this matters.  What will be, will be.  I have no power to control the outcome.

A friend who keeps checking in on us asked me how I was feeling after the first ultrasound, and I replied that I was relieved, anxious and angry.  I am angry.  Can nothing be simple?  After everything that we have been through, do we not deserve an easy ride?  But when has the world ever worked that way?

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