I’ve been struggling a lot lately with forgiveness. And I’ve come back to this post several times but walk away feeling unsure as to how to put words to this struggle. Forgive and forget. Move on. Forgiveness will set you free.. and the blah, blah, blah of all those face.book positive outlook quote bullshit thingies.
I get it.
But how do you forgive someone who never takes responsibility for their behaviour or asks for forgiveness?
I make a lot of allowances for people’s asshole behaviour. I try to understand it. Behaviour has meaning. I try to empathize with where they are coming from, why they behave the way they do and that allows me to tolerate them just a little bit more.
I wouldn’t say I’m generally one to hold a grudge, per se, but there are some things that I am not willing to excuse. Mostly it’s the Momma bear in me — hurt the ones I love (or me) and we’re done. And I believe in that fiercely… but you have to be a pretty big douche to get the royal kick out the door. Maybe it’s not the healthiest way to deal, but I can’t seem to find it in me to give any energy to relationships that clearly don’t deserve it.
And I don’t think I really set the bar that high… really, I don’t. We all make mistakes. We can all be assholes sometimes, saying and doing things we wish we could take back or change. We are human. I get that. But I seem to always be the black sheep… because I won’t just put my head in the sand and pretend that bad things didn’t happen. There’s been some things that have happened over the last year or so that have been very hurtful to me and my family. In both instances the “offender” if you will, behaved awfully. I understand the behaviour. I know why they did what they did. What I don’t understand, is that in these two very separate instances, they expected to be let back into the lives of my family without taking responsibility for the offensive behaviour. Without saying a word, in one circumstance. The others in my family who were involved in these situations, complied and allowed for the relationship to resume. But I just can’t do it. One situation isn’t really my battle to fight, so I don’t really care what the outcome is and the choices the person makes, but it drives me crazy just the same. Are we just going to pretend these really major things didn’t happen?! That these people behaved in the most awful way possible during a time when their support should have been front and centre?!
Maybe it’s a lifetime of disappointing relationships with people who should be there who drastically let me down that have tainted my heart. Like I said, I feel like I’m always the black sheep because I’m not willing to just pretend that things are hunky-dory, when others seem to have no problem letting bygones be bygones. I’m a loyal friend… I think my friends would say that about me. Even during this infertility and babyloss hell when I’ve been the worst friend in the world, I would still say that I have been honest about my shit and remained loyal. I don’t let a lot of people in (shocking, since I write the narcissistic blog and all) but I don’t really let a lot of people in to the real me. I know it’s a mechanism to protect my heart. You can’t hurt me if I don’t let you close enough to do so. So when those who I have let in hurt me, you don’t get another chance. You don’t get another chance.
I don’t carry this shit around with me and think about it constantly, I really don’t. It’s not like it haunts me. Most days, I don’t even think about it. It’s a post that I’ve been meaning to write for a long time to simply stop drafting and redrafting versions in my already over-worked brain. It’s been something that I wanted to get out because it does make me sad when I think about it. I know that I could resume this relationship if I just played along, but how can I do that to myself? And it all could have been avoided if the words “I’m sorry” were uttered… but they never were… and now it’s too late in my books.