Ten (Previously Private)

I’m slowly creeping towards the end of the first trimester.  Being off work is wonderful for the oodles of sleep and not having to function through feeling gross, but boy does it make the days seem long sometimes.  We had our check-up (quell the patient’s anxiety appointment) yesterday and got to see Bubba bouncing around on the screen.  We got a fantastic picture that show him/her looking at us and I swear doing something akin to “jazz hands”.  Best of all, the bleed seems to be getting smaller.  I didn’t get the exact numbers but C. was watching the measurements and said it was shrinking.  Our NT scan is May 13 and our first appointment with the MFM is May 16.  This appointment also includes an ultrasound.  I think I’ll do both… because.. why not?  Any opportunity to see Bubba, I’ll take it!!

I’ve been pretty lucky on the gross-ness front this time around.  Again, it happens in the evening (which makes dinner a real hoot) but it’s not as bad as last time.  I think it’s all the sleep and being able to do what I please through the day.  I can eat when I want instead of not being able to squeeze snacks in between clients and then feeling gross because of it.  I haven’t had as hard of a time with food aversions either.  It would seem this little one is a little less picky.  Meat is still a hit and miss, but I just had rotisserie chicken for dinner with no problem.  And I can eat veggies!  I remember with Abby I had trouble with meat, green veggies, plain milk and even tap water for crying out loud!

I also bought something for Bubba.  IN MY DEFENCE, the item is a handmade stroller blanket and the items are often one of a kind.  And it has the most adorable sock monkeys on it.  I adore the sock monkey.  I have resolved not to buy anything for this baby for a good long time, but I couldn’t resist.  A very dear friend asked me when she could start buying things for the baby and I told her “when he’s here!”.  She advised me that I was being ridiculous.

It’s so hard.  There is a part of me who just wants to be a normal, excited person and embrace this baby and this pregnancy and trust that lightening doesn’t strike twice.  But I just can’t.  Because lightening does strike and cause damage all over the place with no rhyme or reason and seemingly no understanding of when people have had their fill!  I keep referring to the future as “if Bubba sticks around” or “if we get to bring Bubba home”.  If I get too comfy, bad things will happen.  Just like they did last time.  I know it’s illogical and irrational… but try telling that to my heart…. I dare you.


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