I went to my chiropractor yesterday and as we made the obligatory small talk walking back to his room, he didn’t ask a thing about how I was doing but I knew he was waiting for it. So I said “I’m still pregnant”… to which he cheered, of course. Is it sad that people anticipate the worst when it comes to me in the fertility/pregnancy department? Is it really any different from the way I feel about myself in the fertility/pregnancy department?
These weeks have been difficult, I won’t lie. This is our “bad zone” from last time and I feel like I’m crawling through these weeks while holding my breathe. I had my bleed with Abby at 13 weeks and she was gone at exactly my 17 week mark. I’m 15 weeks, 2 days (yeah, I’m counting the days) right now. I had my first appointment with the MFM on May 16, including ultrasound, and they said there were two very small spots of bleed but that they weren’t concerned at all. It means nothing to me. I had my ultrasound for Abby and everything looked great… flash forward two weeks to when I’m bleeding like a stuck pig and my life begins to fall apart.
The MFM also had me stop baby aspirin (feeling that it might be promoting bleeding, even though I haven’t bled since the original bleed at 7 weeks) and wanted me to stop the Glumetza (metformin) too. I’ve read lots on people being kept on metformin longer in pregnancy to hopefully prevent GD, but the MFM felt that it wasn’t a good option and that they would just treat the GD with insulin. I couldn’t do it. The day that I had set to stop the Glumetza, I very nearly had a panic attack. It would appear that stopping my meds last time around had nothing to do with my loss and intellectually, I can get on board with that. Emotionally, is a completely different (and far crazier story). So I stayed on it. And I’m still on the progesterone too. Although I’ve reduced to just one per day. I’m wondering how much shit I’ll be in at my next appointment? The reality is, they can’t tell me why I got the blood clot last time. They’ve tested for clotting disorders and they all came back negative. So they say it’s just bad luck. “Bad luck” is doctor code for “we can’t find a reason”. It doesn’t not mean there isn’t a reason, it means they can’t find it. I’m having a hard time letting that go. I’m having a hard time trusting the “experts”. I suppose that makes me a bad patient, or at the very least, non-compliant. I’m hoping to have a longer conversation next visit and be re-assured by something.
In other news, my belly is changing shape. If you looked at me, all you’d see is a chubby girl. But without clothes on, my belly is changing from a “B” belly to something else. And that’s awesome. I’ve started wearing maternity pants — also so awesome and comfortable. I can fit in my regular pants but they are not comfy any more. It’s all starting to feel more real. And that is terrifying. I’m starting to feel more and more connected to Bubba, and I’m just so damn afraid that this baby will be taken from me too. I don’t have another loss in me.
Alas, I must tell myself, for now, I’m still pregnant. And that’s the most awesome thing in the world.