I’m not sure if it’s hormones or the time of year but I’ve been a bit of a mess lately. July 8 was our EDD with Abby. It’s not a date that should matter so much — it was never hers. January 26 is hers. I had myself a good, ugly cry yesterday. Like the kind where your nose is so full of snot, breathing becomes a mouth job only. All triggered by a glimpse at C’s tattoo. Today, the trigger was driving past the funeral home where Abby was cremated. I was able to reign it in today, but only because we were on route to the grocery store. Can’t be a cryface in the the grocery store. I explained to a friend that it’s like grief comes in waves and sometimes you’re just surfing along, riding the waves and everything is okay. And then a big wave comes and knocks you the fuck down. But we climb back on and surf on, don’t we?
I just feel emotionally exhausted. Work has been very stressful. My boss creates a very hostile work environment and has kept me in a position that is different from the position I left when I went on sick leave as a form of punishment for having the audacity to go on leave. I should be happy b/c I work a hell of a lot less in the current position, but I miss my old position. I don’t like to be bored at work. And that’s how I feel. I’m bored and unfulfilled. I dread work days and I’m counting down the days till I’m done. I’m hoping I can come with a reason for them to take me off early on medical leave, because November seems so very far away. And that’s not like me at all. I’m not one to fuck the dog. I usually love my job and I’m a hard worker. Not so much any more.
And there’s been family drama recently that adds stress. So I just feel drained and I think that makes me more emotional… and I’m sure the hormones don’t help.
I know it’s silly, but I felt badly yesterday about having my little breakdown. I don’t want Bubba to know that I’m sad. I just want him to know how much I love him and how much I hope he comes home safely.
I wish I could just tap into the joy I feel over being given another chance at being a momma all the time. But it’s all so complicated. The joy doesn’t erase the grief… they exist together. I’m so excited to be pregnant again and experiencing things I never got to experience last time. And it makes me sad for all I missed out on with Abby — the life she missed out on. I want them both — Abby and Bubba. If Abby were here, she’d be one. And Bubba would not exist. It’s a weird place to sit.