Grief waves

I’m not sure if it’s hormones or the time of year but I’ve been a bit of a mess lately.  July 8 was our EDD with Abby.  It’s not a date that should matter so much — it was never hers.  January 26 is hers.   I had myself a good, ugly cry yesterday. Like the kind where your nose is so full of snot, breathing becomes a mouth job only.  All triggered by a glimpse at C’s tattoo.  Today, the trigger was driving past the funeral home where Abby was cremated.  I was able to reign it in today, but only because we were on route to the grocery store.  Can’t be a cryface in the the grocery store. I explained to a friend that it’s like grief comes in waves and sometimes you’re just surfing along, riding the waves and everything is okay.  And then a big wave comes and knocks you the fuck down.  But we climb back on and surf on, don’t we?

I just feel emotionally exhausted.  Work has been very stressful.  My boss creates a very hostile work environment and has kept me in a position that is different from the position I left when I went on sick leave as a form of punishment for having the audacity to go on leave.  I should be happy b/c I work a hell of a lot less in the current position, but I miss my old position.  I don’t like to be bored at work.  And that’s how I feel.  I’m bored and unfulfilled.  I dread work days and I’m counting down the days till I’m done.  I’m hoping I can come with a reason for them to take me off early on medical leave, because November seems so very far away.  And that’s not like me at all.  I’m not one to fuck the dog.  I usually love my job and I’m a hard worker.  Not so much any more.

And there’s been family drama recently that adds stress.  So I just feel drained and I think that makes me more emotional… and I’m sure the hormones don’t help.

I know it’s silly, but I felt badly yesterday about having my little breakdown.  I don’t want Bubba to know that I’m sad.  I just want him to know how much I love him and how much I hope he comes home safely.

I wish I could just tap into the joy I feel over being given another chance at being a momma all the time.  But it’s all so complicated.  The joy doesn’t erase the grief… they exist together.  I’m so excited to be pregnant again and experiencing things I never got to experience last time.  And it makes me sad for all I missed out on with Abby — the life she missed out on.  I want them both — Abby and Bubba.  If Abby were here, she’d be one.  And Bubba would not exist.  It’s a weird place to sit.


9 responses to “Grief waves

  • Judy Beeksma

    I can barely imagine the tug of emotions on your heart and the abundance of hormones definitely affects that…BUT…I am so delighted that Bubba is still tucked away and growing and you are still PREGNANT!!! Have your days filled with emotion…it is ok!

  • Daryl

    It definitely comes in waves. I hope you’re back to surfing soon. In the meantime, you can totally blame the hormones.

  • clwalchevill

    Grief is one of those strange things. One moment you’re fine, the next you can’t stop crying. Though there’s a lot going on, I think you’re still very much in the middle of grieving for Abby. And there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re not taking anything away from Bubba nor does it mean you’re any less excited about this pregnancy. Do take the time you need.

    And that sucks about work. Shame on your boss. They’ve not been supportive with any of this and it pisses me off that you have to deal with such broken people.

  • Mo

    yes, this is exactly how I feel too. You described it so well. *hugs*

  • 17hobbitt

    Mb its an ivf thing. I was down when the edd date came round for my twins. It is an emotional road being pregnant after a loss, adding hormones into the mix doesn’t help either. I am sorry you are having a hard time at work you spend so much time at work it sucks when you don’t like it.

  • psychsarah

    Sounds like you’re riding the wave, feeling it, but it’s not drowning you, despite all the complicated emotions and stress that has come alongside the grief (e.g., your hideous boss, and tricky family stress). It’s funny how dates can “get” you, when you least expect it. . Grief is tricky like that-when I worked with kids who lost a sibling, we described it as “grief bursts” but I like your analogy of waves better.

    Hang in there my friend-sending you hugs and thoughts of peace.

  • Sadie

    I don’t think any of what you’re feeling is silly, I think it’s all perfectly normal and understandable considering what you’ve gone through. I’m sorry you’re having a tough time with all those things to juggle right now, when it’d be so lovely if you could just focus on Bubba and the joy that he is bringing. In one of my recent fertility meditations they were talking about how we transmit attitudes towards stress to our babies before they are born, and how, if a child feels stress from the mother, but it is soon followed by calm, reassurance, laughter then those will be the prevailing sentiments, and they child will ‘learn’ that stress/crisis is just something that comes, but isn’t scary and have healthy coping mechanisms as a result. OK, that sounds a bit hokey when I write it down…I guess what I’m trying to say is that no matter what’s going on, Bubba will feel the joy and love. The joy and the love will be what stays.

    Thinking of you as you carry both of your sweet babies in your heart.

  • Alicia

    It absolutely is complicated – I don’t think there is any way to ever erase the grief. I hope the acute sadness over the loss you’ve faced will dull, but I know you will never forget.

    I can relate to you not wanting Bubba to know you’re sad. I feel the same way with J – she brings me so much happiness, but there is sadness mixed in there too and I don’t ever want her to know/feel this.


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