Pregnancy helps to heal the gaping hole in my heart that infertility and loss has left. While I’m still afraid to be over-confident about the fact that I’ll likely have a real live baby in my arms in the next 9 weeks, being pregnant has helped to heal my wounded soul. It’s far from repaired, but it makes it easier to cope knowing that there is a babe on the horizon.
What pregnancy doesn’t do is fix my infertility. We are still a couple with infertility… that has not changed. Although it seems ridiculous to even be thinking about this, we were talking about a sibling for Bubba. (I know, one hurdle at a time!) It seems like C is resolved to accepting that Bubba will be an only child. I’m still of the mind that perhaps we could get lucky again. We have one frostie in the freezer. That’s it. And I’m beyond grateful for that because I know that others are not so lucky. But the likelihood of that frostie becoming a pregnancy is only about 30%. Not to mention I’ll be older than I am right now, so I’m not sure what that does to the stats. And if that frostie doesn’t become a baby, we’re more than likely done. There’s no more money to do another round of IVF and honestly, at 37 or 38, is that what I really want to be doing?
I feel like I have to make sure that those reading who are still “in the trenches” understand that this is not a post about being ungrateful.. it’s not that at all. It’s a post about how infertility is still very much a part of who I am. So I hope it reads that way.
I will never have a surprise pregnancy. I will never get pregnant without assistance. The little bit of defective sperm that my husband has, are one sleep study away from being destroyed by him going on testosterone. And that makes me sad. It makes me grieve yet another loss. Something else that infertility has taken from me. Something that infertility has taken from my son.
Today at the chiropractor’s office, the receptionist was chatting me up about my pregnancy. And she asked what people ask people who are having their first child (or maybe whatever number child they are on)… “will you have more?” It’s just not that easy. I wonder how many people take this for granted… that there will be more if more are wanted. I wonder if they realize how lucky they are to not have those thoughts.