Time Passes

I blink and weeks have passed since I’ve written here.  I compose posts in my head but I always opt for Max-snuggles over screen time.  In fact today, a snowy day in Southwestern Ontario, I did little more than snuggle my son.  I could have put him down once he fell asleep but why?  Time passes so quickly and one day I won’t be able to snuggle him all day.

So I’m going to offer up a summary post of things and goings-on.  Each deserves it’s own post likely, but you do what you can do.

Abby Day — Another January 26 came and went.  Two years since we said goodbye.  A little easier this year but I’m still haunted by the wonderings of what might have been.  In some respects, it’s almost harder to think of Abby while holding her little brother.  I look at him and feel such sadness that I never got to look at her in the same way.  I’ll never know what kind of kid she would have been.  Having a baby is no longer an abstract concept for me and it has changed my grief for the one that I lost.

***

Breastfeeding — Thank you for all of your comments and support.  I bawled my face off the day I decided we were done but I’ve accepted where we’re at.  I’m still pumping 4-5 times/day, so Max is getting about 1/3 or more of his daily milk from me.  I’ve decided I’ll pump as long as it’s worth it in terms of output and until it drives me nuts.  And he’s still doing his morning feed from the bo.ob.  Funny thing is, when we decided to stop nursing, he became a better nurseling!  So sometimes he’ll nurse throughout the day too when I haven’t pumped in a while and my bo.obs are extra full.  It’s enough for me.  Because if I was being completely honest with myself, I didn’t love nursing.  I loved the idea of it and I would have loved it if everything worked perfectly.  But it didn’t and it just stressed me out.  And I’m not a big fan of nursing in public places.  I hate that nursing cover and I wouldn’t just let it all hang out because I wouldn’t want to make other people uncomfortable.  Maybe it all would have been different if things worked properly.  I watch other breast-feeding moms do it with such comfort and ease and there is still a sense of “why not me”.  But then I give Max his bottle and watch how happy he is to drink his milk and nothing else really seems to matter.

***

Max — oh my goddess how I love this child!  He’s smiling and cooing and more interactive now.  He’s such a sweet boy and an easy baby.  He cries when he’s hungry and when he’s tired.  Can’t ask for better than that.  Sure, he has his fussy days but it’s really nothing.  And he’s finally growing!  After weeks of barely skimming by at his weight checks with the LC, at his 2 month appointment/vaccines, he had gained 2 lbs in two weeks!!!  Which kinda made me feel like an asshole because he clearly wasn’t getting enough milk.  Now he needs to slow down on the growth because my almost 10 week old baby is almost all grown out of his 3 month clothes and sporting some of his 6 month clothes.  He’s 14lbs 5 oz and 24.5 inches as of last week.  My healthy boy!

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6 responses to “Time Passes

  • clwalchevill

    Three separate thoughts:

    For Abby: thinking of you. I know how difficult in a different way these anniversaries are now that you are on the road to resolution.

    For breastfeeding: very glad to hear you are at peace with it. It’s such a hard thing and I really do believe that many women struggle with this (but just don’t talk about it).

    For Max: this part made me smile. So glad he’s doing well and growing like a weed!!

  • marwil

    Yeah, two years already since saying goodbye. Time passes indeed. Thinking of you, it must be different having your boy here, while remembering and wondering about Abby.

    I don’t have any wise words about breastfeeding from my own experience, yet. But glad you feel ok about it even though it was a struggle to come to terms with. Actually I spoke about this with one of my older sister the other day and she had troubles (her kids are teenagers now) and firmly told me that if it works, great. If it doesn’t, well that’s not your fault and baby will be perfectly alright anyway. So have no guilt about it. Um, guess it’s all true but might not be so easy to accept.

    And Max is healthy and growing. How great to hear that he is an easy baby, and yes, you should enjoy him as much as you can 🙂

  • lifeishard76

    We also just had our two year anniversary. Time may pass but the loss remains. I also don’t know if it’s easier or harder with more time…. I think all we can do is keep remembering….

    Your boy sounds wonderful! Enjoy him all you can!! xx

  • Alissa S

    Having a living child to love sure does change your grief over your angel doesn’t it? I have found a deeper sadness for our loss now that I can see a child of mine growing and smiling. At least we have a little time between to ease it a bit.

    Breastfeeding did not go well for us. I eventually had to be okay with pumping/formula and bottles. Looking back, I can see it wasn’t as big of a deal as I made it, but it felt huge! Those kids will do just fine no matter the source as long as they are loved. And I am so glad to hear you little man is such a healthy boy. I’m happy for you!

  • NewMom

    Don’t feel bad about the clothes thing! Our babies are just days apart; but my son was only 5lbs at birth. Now he is now 13lbs/23in and wearing 6 months too! Crazy.

    So happy for you and how much you are enjoying Max. : ) I am sure Abby is smiling down on you both.

  • Jenn

    Two years 😦

    I sort of get that feeling – different though. Different experiences with miscarriage. I look at B and always wonder what his twin would have been like. I just feel sadness because I will never know. I never really talk about it except to B once in awhile when he asks because he knows there should have been two of them!

    I hated nursing – it was anything but smooth Either time. I felt like an absolute failure. I pumped for 6months the first time and not at all the next.

    Sending love and light your way – I know I missed the date by several months but was thinking of you at the end of January – hope feb/march have been good to you!

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