The Club

The infertile is an outsider to a very important club.  The mommy club.  We’re like little children standing outside the toy store window — always on the outside looking in.  So desperately wanting in.  I can’t count how many times I was asked “do you have kids” and when I answered “no”, it was like I was immediately disqualified because I couldn’t possibly understand if I didn’t have kids.  It was like a kick to the gut every time.

One of my biggest peeves is when clients would do it.  Not necessarily to me (although sometimes), but towards their F&CS workers.  “Blah, blah, blah… stupid worker doesn’t even have kids, what does she know?”  Yeah, because if F&CS is at your door, you’re obviously doing a bang up job.

The first time I realized I was part of the club was right after Christmas.  Max was almost one month old and we were out doing some “boxing day” shopping.  I left Chris with Max in the stroller to try on some clothes in the change room and the sales woman started talking to me about sleep deprivation and having a new baby.  Soon, a woman who was waiting for someone in the change room chimed in.  And we were all talking about our babies and sleep and feeding.  Just like that, I was part of the club.

Most days, it still doesn’t feel real.  There’s a part of me that keeps waiting for someone to take him away from me.  “Time’s up, we were just kidding, give him back”.  It’s probably why I don’t want to miss a moment of time with him.  Sometimes I find myself holding him while he sleeps and I’m thinking of all the things I could be doing if I just put him in his swing to sleep.  But I keep holding him.  Because even if no one takes him away from me, one day he won’t want to be held all the time.  I feel like I need to make the most of every single moment.

I wonder if all parents feel this way or if infertility and loss does something to you?  Does it make the parenting experience different?  Did my hard-fought battle to join this exclusive and elusive club make me a different kind of momma?  I’m not sure.  I just know that it has made me the kind of momma — the kind of person — that doesn’t take any of this great gift — this club membership — for granted.


8 responses to “The Club

  • Brianna

    I absolutely believe that infertility and loss have changed the type of mom I am, how could it not? I think all parents have some feelings of how awesome it is to bring a child into the world, but I think those who’ve struggled for it, and had to say good-bye to our kids far too soon, have a different perspective on the awesomeness that makes it feel bigger and deeper.

  • 17hobbitt

    Definately makes a difference. I stare down at Jessica every day and am grateful I have been given a second chance after loosing my twins at 24 weeks. It is a lovely feeling being in the mommy club.

  • wishfulbabybump

    Reblogged this on WishfulBabybump and commented:
    Love this. So true. Every word. Every moment.

  • wishfulbabybump

    Thank you this is so true. I do believe we are now the exclusive group. We have our babies after the long hard fight and that makes us appreciate them on a level not many can understand. Do we love them anymore? Maybe maybe not but one thing is for sure I don’t think u ever forget that feeling of hopelessness.

  • Erin

    After struggling for 6 years with infertility I finally delivered and brought home my sweet boy, and I have treasured motherhood more than I ever thought possible. I know that I do appreciate it more than I would have. I don’t take it for granted, and my son? At six years old now, he feels so loved, and he is so confident. He is a ray of sunshine to all those around him, and this isn’t just his mother talking, but others who say it as well. Your sweet boy will no doubt be the same way. I think in many ways I appreciated every moment because I knew there was a good chance I’d never experience it again. My husband has always been the same way, knowing that this may be our only chance. I worried that I had too much love, that I would smother him with it, but I soon realized that there is truly no such thing as too much love, especially when love isn’t just positive reinforcement, hugs and kisses, but it’s teaching boundaries too. Now here I am, almost 9 months pregnant with a baby that WILL be my last, and my baby boy isn’t threatened, or jealous, he’s happy because he knows how loved he is, and a new baby isn’t going to change that. I’m so happy for your as you begin this journey. You and I are the lucky ones. We have to appreciate it and enjoy it for all of those who unfortunately were left on the sidelines. We owe it to them.

  • D

    I agree with your feelings of being a part of the club and waiting for the “just kidding.” I’m still rocking my 20 month old to sleep because it works for us and I love that he still wants to have cuddle time at the end of the day. The battle to join the club probably makes the little moments stand out even more for those of us who’ve struggled with infertility. I love that you are sharing your momma journey with us your readers…keep enjoying those special times with Max and giving us a glimpse of what life looks like now.

  • Northern Star

    Yes, it makes us different kinds of mamas. We cherish everything – the sleepless nights, the cuddles, the teething, the milestones… I know I take less for granted than my fertile counterparts… When you struggle for so long, when you know what losing children feels like, when you fear not experiencing motherhood – you can’t help but hold on to these precious days with open eyes. Motherhood for us is a miracle.

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