Worth It

A few weeks ago we ran into a teaching acquaintance of C’s.  She was from the school where he was working when we lost Abby, so she was aware of our struggles to get to where we are.  She cooed over Max, like everyone does a new baby.  But it was what she said that left an impression.

“It makes it all worth it, right?”

When I look at my beautiful, perfect, little baby boy, am I glad I didn’t stop fighting?  Hell yes!

But was it worth it?  I don’t know why this has stuck with me.  Perhaps it was the flip way that this stranger said it to me… because I don’t know her at all.  Maybe I’m too sensitive.  To my ears, it almost sounded like what she meant was that everything we went through, the infertility, the loss, is what is expected to get a baby at the end.  That if you fight hard enough, it will happen.  An infertile knows this isn’t true.  It’s sheer luck.  Maybe it strikes a chord, because I’m still so incredibly envious of all the people who make it look easy.  Snap their fingers and they have all the babies they need to make their families complete.  I’m working on it.  I really am.  I’m trying to let it all go.  But it’s a process…. backed up by lots of years of disappointment and hurt.

Was it all worth it?  Would I do it all again to get to my son?  How do I say ‘no’?  How do I say ‘yes’?  Losing Abby broke me in ways that I’m not sure can ever be fixed.  Have I walked away from that experience a stronger person?  Sure.  And it sure as hell has made me value every moment of my son’s life right from the very beginning of knowing he survived transfer and burrowed himself a spot inside me.

Why did it have to be so hard?  Why did the path have to be so long and windy and full of potholes?  Will I ever find meaning in the “journey”?  Will that make it better?  Will it all make sense one day?  I don’t know.  I might just need to eventually let it all go and stop searching for a greater purpose.

Was it worth it?

My son is the best thing I ever did with my life.  Being a mom is the most important job I’ve ever had.  He makes me want to be a better person and the best momma I can possibly be.  That’s all I know.

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6 responses to “Worth It

  • amanda

    I don’t think the pain and suffering you went through was ‘worth it’….not at all. It isn’t fair! Loosing a child is a horrible experience. Going through IVF isn’t a fun ride either. It shouldn’t be so difficult. HOWEVER, I do look at my daughter and think that if I hadn’t lost my first 2 pregnancies SHE wouldn’t be here today. I can’t imagine my life without HER in it. I wanted a baby to make me a mother…and I got a wonderfully smart and funny human being to raise and nurture. Its a hard trade off. Definitely not worth it…but I am happy with the results 🙂

  • clwalchevill

    I struggle with this too. On one end, I would go through hell and back for the Beats, fighting every battle to make sure they are safe and sound. But does their being here make the loss of their siblings less painful? Absolutely not. If nothing else, it’s compounded it. I love all of my children, both the ones I hold and the ones I hold in my heart.

    Sending love.

  • Mo

    I think what bothers me about the term “worth it” is when it comes from people who haven’t been there. They want a “happy ending”. To wrap everything up in a bow and think to themselves that everything is ok. Which in turn, devalues our losses. And that’s the true issue. We are profoundly changed, and that has affected us – but also for the better, not just for the worse. For me, I guess that’s worth it…? But just the pain I went through and the fight. The loss itself is too deep to measure. But the pain…? Worth it. But only I’m allowed to say that. If anyone else made that judgement, I would be pissed. Does that make sense?

    • Wannabemom

      Devalued. That’s exactly it. You are so right — people want a happy ending — understandably — but the happy ending doesn’t negate the path we had to take in getting there. Or at least is shouldn’t.

  • Shara

    I agree with Mo about people wanting a ‘happy ending’.

    I see statements like that as just another example of the ‘grief math’ people who haven’t been there do to make sense of babyloss in general. Just like you get more points for how long you carried the baby before you lost them, and lose points if you have any living children, having a rainbow baby equals a zero-sum no mater what pain and heartbreak you had to go through to get them.

    Hugs.

    • Wannabemom

      “Grief math” — I’ve never heard that term. I like it. And it’s so true. I always feel like I have to say the number of weeks along I was with Abby and I refuse to call that loss a “miscarriage” because people think it’s less of a loss somehow. There’s “infertility math” too. How many IUI, how many IVF, how many years TTC, etc, etc.

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