I blink and weeks have passed since I’ve written here. I compose posts in my head but I always opt for Max-snuggles over screen time. In fact today, a snowy day in Southwestern Ontario, I did little more than snuggle my son. I could have put him down once he fell asleep but why? Time passes so quickly and one day I won’t be able to snuggle him all day.
So I’m going to offer up a summary post of things and goings-on. Each deserves it’s own post likely, but you do what you can do.
Abby Day — Another January 26 came and went. Two years since we said goodbye. A little easier this year but I’m still haunted by the wonderings of what might have been. In some respects, it’s almost harder to think of Abby while holding her little brother. I look at him and feel such sadness that I never got to look at her in the same way. I’ll never know what kind of kid she would have been. Having a baby is no longer an abstract concept for me and it has changed my grief for the one that I lost.
Breastfeeding — Thank you for all of your comments and support. I bawled my face off the day I decided we were done but I’ve accepted where we’re at. I’m still pumping 4-5 times/day, so Max is getting about 1/3 or more of his daily milk from me. I’ve decided I’ll pump as long as it’s worth it in terms of output and until it drives me nuts. And he’s still doing his morning feed from the bo.ob. Funny thing is, when we decided to stop nursing, he became a better nurseling! So sometimes he’ll nurse throughout the day too when I haven’t pumped in a while and my bo.obs are extra full. It’s enough for me. Because if I was being completely honest with myself, I didn’t love nursing. I loved the idea of it and I would have loved it if everything worked perfectly. But it didn’t and it just stressed me out. And I’m not a big fan of nursing in public places. I hate that nursing cover and I wouldn’t just let it all hang out because I wouldn’t want to make other people uncomfortable. Maybe it all would have been different if things worked properly. I watch other breast-feeding moms do it with such comfort and ease and there is still a sense of “why not me”. But then I give Max his bottle and watch how happy he is to drink his milk and nothing else really seems to matter.
Max — oh my goddess how I love this child! He’s smiling and cooing and more interactive now. He’s such a sweet boy and an easy baby. He cries when he’s hungry and when he’s tired. Can’t ask for better than that. Sure, he has his fussy days but it’s really nothing. And he’s finally growing! After weeks of barely skimming by at his weight checks with the LC, at his 2 month appointment/vaccines, he had gained 2 lbs in two weeks!!! Which kinda made me feel like an asshole because he clearly wasn’t getting enough milk. Now he needs to slow down on the growth because my almost 10 week old baby is almost all grown out of his 3 month clothes and sporting some of his 6 month clothes. He’s 14lbs 5 oz and 24.5 inches as of last week. My healthy boy!