A few weeks ago we ran into a teaching acquaintance of C’s. She was from the school where he was working when we lost Abby, so she was aware of our struggles to get to where we are. She cooed over Max, like everyone does a new baby. But it was what she said that left an impression.
“It makes it all worth it, right?”
When I look at my beautiful, perfect, little baby boy, am I glad I didn’t stop fighting? Hell yes!
But was it worth it? I don’t know why this has stuck with me. Perhaps it was the flip way that this stranger said it to me… because I don’t know her at all. Maybe I’m too sensitive. To my ears, it almost sounded like what she meant was that everything we went through, the infertility, the loss, is what is expected to get a baby at the end. That if you fight hard enough, it will happen. An infertile knows this isn’t true. It’s sheer luck. Maybe it strikes a chord, because I’m still so incredibly envious of all the people who make it look easy. Snap their fingers and they have all the babies they need to make their families complete. I’m working on it. I really am. I’m trying to let it all go. But it’s a process…. backed up by lots of years of disappointment and hurt.
Was it all worth it? Would I do it all again to get to my son? How do I say ‘no’? How do I say ‘yes’? Losing Abby broke me in ways that I’m not sure can ever be fixed. Have I walked away from that experience a stronger person? Sure. And it sure as hell has made me value every moment of my son’s life right from the very beginning of knowing he survived transfer and burrowed himself a spot inside me.
Why did it have to be so hard? Why did the path have to be so long and windy and full of potholes? Will I ever find meaning in the “journey”? Will that make it better? Will it all make sense one day? I don’t know. I might just need to eventually let it all go and stop searching for a greater purpose.
Was it worth it?
My son is the best thing I ever did with my life. Being a mom is the most important job I’ve ever had. He makes me want to be a better person and the best momma I can possibly be. That’s all I know.